


When You Let Go

by GiraffesAndDietPepsi



Series: When You Let Go [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Bisexual Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Bisexual Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Friendship, Harry Potter References, Implied/Referenced Suicide, In this House We Unbury Our Gays, M/M, Nonbinary Dr. Sherman (Dear Evan Hansen), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 26,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24897289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiraffesAndDietPepsi/pseuds/GiraffesAndDietPepsi
Summary: After lying about his friendship with Connor and letting everyone he knows down, Evan has decided to end it all. When he gets to the park to complete the task, he is met with the face of a very not dead Connor Murphy on the night that Connor killed himself.This starts right after "So Big/So Small".
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: When You Let Go [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1899919
Comments: 174
Kudos: 308





	1. Prologue

He’d screwed everything up. He had let Alana down, Jared had finally left him, the Murphys know he had lied, and his mom now knows how fucked up his head is. He couldn’t even kill himself right. His dad had been right to leave him.

Evan decides that he can fix one of those things. Tomorrow he’ll go to one last day of school; he needs to see how much he had screwed up. He’ll then take his bottle of anxiety medication and take it in the same park that Connor had.

Evan likes the morbid symmetry of it. He knows it‘s the right thing. He couldn’t help anyone, and all he’s ever done is mess up everyone’s lives. He can do this one thing right.

When Evan gets to school the next day, he‘s astounded. Nobody is saying anything. Nobody has told him how utterly deranged he is for lying about being friends with a dead kid.

He keeps his head down the whole day. Teachers had already avoided calling on him prior to the whole debacle, but now they pitied him far more, he is the dead kid’s best friend after all, so he doesn’t have to talk to anyone at all that day.

Evan is shocked.

His walk home is spent reflecting on his many screw-ups. He figures his biggest one was being born, and then he had failed attempting to remedy that in the summer. Not this time.

His mom is home.

“How was school?” Her face is cautious while asking the question. Of course it is, he’d told her about the web of lies he had spun the past few months.

He shrugs, “It was fine.”

“That’s good. What do you want for dinner? We can order pizza, or I could make tacos. Whatever you want. I’ve got a night shift, so we can eat dinner together.”

A small smile forms on his face. He’ll be able to spend one last night with his mother. He needs to make it a good night for her. “Let’s get pizza, and we can play a card game while we wait for it. Then we can watch whatever you want on Netflix when it gets here.”

Heidi nods and goes to order the pizza.

Evan feels calm. Eerily calm. He isn’t fidgeting with the hem of his shirt or picking at his nails and cuticles. For once, his mind isn’t racing with all of the possibilities of the future. For once, there is nothing even his anxiety can be anxious about because there is no way he is failing this time. Connor had managed to do it this way.

That is one thing he could say is good about coming clean to the Murphys. He isn’t seeing Connor anymore. He supposes Connor kept appearing to him because of guilt, and he doesn’t feel guilty for keeping the secret now. Well, he still feels guilty for doing it, but he isn’t getting guilt hallucinations now.

All he had wanted to do was help the Murphys. He had needed to help lessen their suffering. He knew it had been wrong to lie, but his heart had hurt so much seeing their pain. It had helped, for a while at least. But then his letter had been put on the internet. Jared had been right; it went viral. That’s when everything truly got broken beyond repair. People didn’t realize that he had written the letter; people saw him as Connor’s only hope in the world. Everyone had started attacking the Murphys because of his own words. Evan had needed to stop the lie for the same reason he started it to begin with. He had to help the Murphys. so he had come clean to them.

“The pizza will be here in about half an hour, so we have time for a couple rounds of Speed,” Heidi announces walking back into the living room. They sit down on the floor on either side coffee table and begin play. They are both fairly slow at the game, but they both thoroughly enjoy the time together. Evan knows that as far as last days go, this one is better than the last one. Heidi ends up winning three out of the five rounds they play before the pizza arrived.

When the pizza arrives, they move to the couch to watch Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. “I love you so much, Mom,” Evan tells her at the end of the movie. He knows he doesn’t tell her enough, and she definitely deserves to hear it one last time from him.

She takes him into a tight hug. “I love you too, Evan. So much. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He burrows his face into her neck and nods. He knows she has to tell him that, but he also knows how much of a failure he is.

They stand hugging for a few minutes not saying anything. “I’ve got to go to work. I’ll see you tomorrow before school. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

With that, she grabs her purse and leaves.

Evan waits fifteen minutes to make sure she won’t be back before he goes and grabs his medication. He had just gotten a refill, so he knows the amount will do the trick.

The walk to the park is long. He spends the time reflecting on his failures, and each time he stops thinking about one screw up, there is another one to replace it. This confirms what he is doing is right.

He could’ve sworn this walk was taking way too long, but he finally reaches the park. He checks his phone to see it is half-past nine. He had been right about the walk taking too long. Oh well. It’s not like he needs to worry about getting back home.

He starts walking towards a gorgeous tree. That’s where he will do it. His hands start to shake. He is now buzzing with what he figures is nervous energy. He takes a seat under the tree and uncaps his prescription. He really should’ve brought a bottle of water. Evan takes the first of the pills from the bottle, and he brings it to his lips to put in his mouth. It’s almost in his mouth when—

“What the fuck?”

Evan jumps at the sound of the loud voice that had been in his head for months, and he drops the pill. He looks up with wide eyes to the sight of a real, very much alive Connor Murphy with a bottle of pills in his hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me if this is something I should continue to write/pursue. I have a hard time finishing multi chapter fics, so I need encouragement.


	2. Chapter 2

Time is a weird concept. There are a bunch of movies saying it’s a fluid thing; that it’s not linear. All of Evan’s life, he has passed through time in the same way. He was just there, and time went on. It didn’t stop. It didn’t make him repeat events. It didn’t fold back to the day his life changed forever. And as far as Evan knew, time hadn’t done that for anyone else.

So why on earth was Connor Murphy across from him now? 

Connor had been surprised to see him there on presumably the night he killed himself, judging by the bottle of pills in his hand. Evan is definitely sure Connor was dead or at least had been dead prior to his walk here. Connor may be surprised by these events, but Evan’s brain is absolutely frozen.

Somewhere on his way to the park, something in time had obviously completely messed up because Connor Murphy was dead when he left his house. He scrambles for his phone. He needs to know the day. August 26th.

“Are you gonna tell me why you’re here, or are you just gonna sit there gaping like a fish?” Connor demands. One look at him tells Evan that Connor is pissed. He is also shocked.

“I, well I,” Evan struggles for an explanation. He looks down at his hands and starts picking at his fingernails. That’s when he notices the bulky piece of plaster on his arm he had gotten off two months ago. “Well you see, it’s kind of funny really. I was walking by the park because my mom is at work and I really didn’t want to be home alone tonight, so I decided to go to the park. And so I was walking by the park and I saw this, um this tree. And I really like trees you see. This one was just so pretty, and I had to get a closer look. You’re probably thinking now, ‘Who likes trees? Why would anyone want to look at a dumb tree?’, and that’s probably a good question because I’ve never met anyone who likes to be around trees. Or anyone who cares about them at all really. But people should. They are essential to the environment, and people have been cutting them down so much, and they’re gonna destroy our planet because—”

“Hansen.”

“Yes?”

“Didn’t you break your arm falling from a tree?”

Evan pauses. He didn’t think Connor would care to remember what he had told him, what had been for Connor, earlier that day. “That was a personal error. The tree I fell from took no part in making me fall from it.” He takes a breath, “Why are you here?”

“I was taking a walk,” Connor blurts out.

Evan moves his hands to the bottom of his polo shirt—he hadn’t been wearing that on the way here. He stares at his hands as he asks, “Why do you have a bottle of pills if you’re taking a walk?” He winces at how small he sounds when he asks. Evan knows that Connor is planning to do the same thing that he had planned to do tonight.

“I was—” He pauses as he looks next to Evan. Right where Evan had dropped his own bottle, “I could ask you the same question.”

Evan freezes again. He looks up with wide eyes. He can feel something forming in his eyes. He opens his mouth to tell him a lie when he sees something in Connor’s eyes. Maybe he’s imagining it, but it looks like hope, so Evan gulps and looks down before he mumbles, “The same as you.”

“What?”

“I said the same as you.”

Connor’s eyes get what would’ve been comically big if it weren’t for what the two were now talking about. Connor gaped at him for what felt like an eternity, but what must have been only thirty seconds or so. A realization passed over his face, “That letter wasn’t to make fun of me, was it?”

“No! I’m so sorry that it looked that way. I would never do something like that. I will admit, I have a crush on your sister, but that’s partially because-that’s partially because she’s been nice to me, and I don’t really have friends. That’s so weird, I’m sorry.”

Connor closes his eyes shut in thought. “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault, and she definitely seems a lot nicer when you compare her to me. I pushed you this morning, and I realized later that you weren’t even laughing at me. I just get so mad sometimes, and I took it out on you.” He worries his bottom lip between his teeth before he continues, “You seem like a nice guy, so why don’t you just go home?”

Evan stops fidgeting for a moment. He thinks about what Connor has said. It’s obvious he’s trying to get him to leave so he can continue with his plan. Evan had absolutely no idea why he was brought back to the first day of school, but he can guess it has something to do with the boy in front of him. This was the day his life truly started to spiral out of control. He makes a split-second decision. “Only if you go home too. You said we could both pretend we have friends, and I’d like to have the chance to become real friends.”

One minute passes of silence, and Evan starts to freak out. He knew telling him he should go home too would be a bad idea. He knew it would go badly, and that Connor would never want to be his friend. I mean, why would he? Evan is an absolute mess. He couldn’t do anything right. He couldn’t even attempt suicide right without failing or getting stopped. He knew this would—.

“Okay. Give me your phone. I can put my number in your phone and you can text me. We’ll do it right here, so then we can text each other when we get home,” Connor is holding his hand out. If Evan didn’t know any better, he’d say Connor Murphy looked hopeful. That maybe he could finally have a friend, so he gives him his phone to input his phone number.

When he gets the phone back he texts Connor right away.

_ Evan: Hi _

Connor pulls out his phone, and a small grin forms on his face.

_ Connor: Hey _

“Text me when you get home?” Evan asks him.

Right before turning to walk back to his house, Connor answers, “Only if you do the same. I’ll see you tomorrow, Hansen.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Connor.” The past few days for Evan had been absolute shit. He could definitely say that. Those days never happened now. The days are now part of the future. He has a chance to change everything. Maybe this time he can actually help the Murphys. Maybe this time he’ll be able to help all of them, even the one that seems so broken beyond repair. He calls out to Connor before he’s out of sight, “Can you throw away my letter? It turns out this day wasn’t actually that bad.”

Connor turns around, “It turns out this was an amazing day?”

_ You have no idea _ . Evan smiles, “It seems like it may even be an amazing week.”

Connor is laughing as Evan starts the trek back to his house. The trek he had never intended to make again, and when he gets back home he sends a text before going to bed.

_ Evan: Home _

_ Connor: Me too _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was planning on waiting longer to put this chapter out, but I get so excited whenever I write something. Chances are as soon as a chapter is done, it will be published. Please note, that doesn't mean the rest of the chapters will come out this fast. I've abandoned stories on other writing sites, but I'm still excited and inspired for this story. The comments definitely help I've found.


	3. Chapter 3

Evan can not sleep. He is almost convinced that what had happened with Connor was a dream, but based on how tired he feels at the moment, Evan isn’t sleeping and had really just stopped him from committing suicide. At least for tonight he had. A moment passed before another thought hits him.  _ Connor had stopped  _ him _ from committing suicide as well. _

He can’t believe he had failed again.  _ Connor had stopped him from committing suicide. _ He had been so sure that absolutely nothing could stop him. He had been careful. Nobody knew where he was going. Nobody frequented that park at night, so he at least wouldn’t have been found until the morning when he was long dead. He would have succeeded. The only thing that could have stopped him was another person coming and physically stopping him, or at least telling him not to do so.  _ Connor had stopped him. _ Someone else had been there to stop him. Someone had been planning to do the same thing he was going to do. 

He can’t breathe. He had failed. Like every other time something important had happened in his life, Evan failed. He is choking on gasps attempting to regain his ability to breathe. His hands blindly search for his bottle of Ativan. When his fingers wrap around the bottle he takes one out and focuses on swallowing the pill. Now he waits. He waits and focuses on his breathing. He focuses on breathing in for five counts and breathing out for seven.

Evan isn’t completely sure how long it takes for the feeling of dying to leave him, but he realizes he has been crying when he finally comes down from his panic attack. He climbs up from his position on the floor—he must’ve fallen down sometime during his panic and hadn’t noticed. Luckily the Ativan is starting to kick in, so before he can start freaking out again, he passes out.

* * *

Walking around school the next day is surreal. He’s being taught material for the second time in the exact same way. He’s getting the worst case of déjà vu he’s ever had, probably because he had lived through this day before. Everything is different though because he’s not freaking out about getting his letter back. 

He sits down at a table in the back of the library—the cafeteria is too loud—and pulls out his lunch. Evan generally eats alone and reads while he waits for the lunch hour to be over. He’s pulling out his book to read when another person slides into the chair across from him. One glance in the person’s direction tells him that it is the only thing that is different about this day. 

Connor Murphy actually showed up on the second day of school this time. Connor Murphy was sitting across from him with his lunch. Connor Murphy is opening his mouth to talk to him.

“You don’t like the cafeteria either?”

“Um, no. I don’t like the noise,” Evan pauses for a moment and starts pulling at his cuticles “There’s also having to figure out where to sit. I used to sit with Jared, but then he started to leave me to sit with his other friends, so I started coming here. It’s not only way quieter, but you’re also surrounded by books. And I think being surrounded by books is calming. At least more than being around people. Books aren’t sitting there judging you. Gosh, that’s so weird. I’m sorry.”

A small smile plays on Connor’s lips, “I get it. I’ve come to the library for lunch since freshman year, and I can definitely say being around books is better than being around people.”

Evan feels a grin pull at his lips as he looks down at his lunch. “I can also take the time to read. Cause, you know, books.”

“Books are great,” Connor pulls out his own lunch and book from his bag, “We can just read and eat if you want. I had actually planned on doing that before I saw you.”

Evan nods and opens up his book to read. He’d decided to reread the  _ Harry Potter  _ series to help cleanse himself of the various bigoted things J.K. Rowling had been saying recently. Well, recently to him. He supposes that nobody else has experienced that yet. He doesn’t feel bad reading the book though. It’s not Harry’s fault the woman who created him is ignorant. He’s quickly pulled into the storyline.

Throughout the course of the lunch period, he appreciates just being able to be in Connor’s presence. It would seem that they don’t have to be interacting to enjoy being around each other, which is good because he can go for long periods of time without talking.

After the bell rings, Evan packs up his stuff and walks with Connor to English, which they apparently share. They sit next to each other in the back of the class.

Once Connor has his bag situated, he turns to Evan, “So, Harry Potter?”

“Yeah. It’s been a long time since I’ve read the books, and I felt like starting them again at the beginning of the last year of high school was kind of cool. ‘I open at the close’ and whatnot.”

“That’s a pretty cool idea. I actually might do that too.”

“Cool,” Evan waits for Connor to say something else, and when he doesn’t Evan asks, “So what house are you in?”

Connor’s eyebrows raise, “Why don’t you guess? I’ll guess yours after, and then we can tell each other.”

Evan furrows his brow and bites his lip in thought. “Ravenclaw. Even before today I’ve seen you reading a lot, and I know you get good grades,” Connor again raises his eyebrows this time in question, “I saw the top ten in our class when I had to go to the guidance counselor, and you were like number three or something.”

Connor grins, “You’re right, but I’m surprised you didn’t say Slytherin. People always see the worst things I do and assume I must belong to the ‘bad’ house.”

“Oh.”

“I’m happy you didn’t. Based on what I’ve seen from you, you’re definitely a Hufflepuff.”

“Technically at the age of eleven, I was definitely a Hufflepuff, so you’re right. In the past few years, I’ve become more of a hatstall between Hufflepuff and Slytherin. Speaking of, Slytherin is not the bad house. Just because a lot of the bad guys were from that house, that doesn’t make the whole house bad. Harry was very focused on the bad done by the house because of his rivalry with Draco and Voldemort, and he was clearly biased towards Gryffindor. There were good Slytherins in the story, like Professor Slughorn or Regulus Black. There were antagonists from the other houses as well. Professor Quirrell was a Ravenclaw, as was Gilderoy Lockhart. One of the admittedly worse characters in the story was a Gryffindor. Without Peter Pettigrew, James and Lily Potter would’ve never died,” Evan crosses his arms over his chest when he finishes his rant.

“You’re right. I know it’s not the bad house. I was being defensive. Like I said people generally see me as bad, and I assumed you would as well and place me where the majority of the villains are in the series.”

“Oh. Well, the merits of Slytherin house are important to me. I’m actually very passionate about the whole series if you can’t tell.”

Connor barks out a laugh. “Yeah, Evan. I can tell.”

Evan’s lips pull upward in a smile. Connor hadn’t used his first name prior to that.

Then the class starts. Mrs. Summers is one of Evan’s favorite teachers, and he is thrilled to have her again for English this year. She had helped him to improve his writing skills immensely when he had her sophomore year, and she was definitely helpful when it came to his anxiety. 

At the end of the class, Mrs. Summers says, “I know it’s only the second day, but I want to introduce this project. You and a partner are going to explore three characters' moralities and merits from a book or book series. I had originally intended this project for the beginning of next semester, but I think it would be an interesting project to do this semester.”

Evan is confused. This had not happened last time. Normally he would worry about having a group project, but he had recently made a friend so he figures he will be fine. But what if Connor doesn’t want to work with him. They haven’t actually talked very much to each other at all, so it’s entirely possible that—

“Do you want to work together? We can explore three of the characters in  _ Harry Potter _ . There are so many of them, and a lot of them are great for debating morality,” Connor cuts off his spiraling.

He nods his head almost violently. “Yes.”

“Great. We can figure out the logistics of how we’re going to do this tomorrow because she’s giving us the rest of the information for the project tomorrow.”

At that, the bell rings, and they go their separate ways with a quick ‘see you tomorrow’.

* * *

The second day of senior year was definitely less stressful for Evan the second time around. He is definitely still anxious about the goings-on in his life, but he no longer has The Connor Project to deal with. Because Connor is still alive.

Oh gosh, how had he managed to have multiple conversations with Connor without completely freaking out? Connor had died. He had died, and now he hadn’t. How is Evan supposed to deal with that? Evan has no idea what to do. So he does what he has done any other time something big happens that he needs advice for. He video calls Jared and explains everything to him. No details left out.

“How high are you dude? Because there is no way what you just told me actually happened,” Jared stares at Evan, eyes lit with laughter.

“I’m not high, Jared, obviously. I’m telling you the truth.”

“Then you’re fucked. You’re telling me that you lived through a timeline where Connor Murphy killed himself, and you pretended to be his best friend. And when the whole thing blew up in your face, you ended up back at the first day of senior year?” Jared laughs. This is obviously hilarious to him, “How hard did you hit your head? When you fell from the tree, how hard did you hit your head?”

“Jared, I’m serious. This actually happened.”

“Stop hyperventilating.”

“I’m not hyperventilating.”

“You’re having considerable trouble breathing.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Okay, say this shitshow you just told me about actually happened. Why are you telling me?”

“I need advice.”

“On how to actually befriend that psycho so you can get in his sister’s pants?”

“No. Well not for getting into Zoe’s pants. I honestly hadn’t even thought of the implications of being his friend for real would mean with her. I just want to help him.”

“Fine. I will help you to become his friend,” Jared thinks for a moment, “It’s gonna cost you five hundred dollars, and I’m only giving you advice. I’m not gonna risk getting murdered so you can feed your hero complex or whatever you want to do this for.”

Evan worries his lip between his teeth, “I can give you twenty.”

“Deal. Now here’s what you’re gonna do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm am going to attempt to post updates within a week of each other. I really appreciate constructive criticism or really any type of feedback. Also, I don't have anxiety, so if I write it wrong, please tell me. 
> 
> I love Harry Potter, and talking to someone about Harry Potter is how I became friends with one of my best friends. This is an invitation to also talk about Harry Potter.


	4. Chapter 4

“You want me to lie to him?”

“That is not what I said.”

“Jared, you just said the best course of action is to tell him I’m dying and move to Mexico.”

“And that will keep you from getting murdered by him. It’s an overall win. You don’t get murdered, and he stays not dead.”

Evan huffs a breath and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Not only would that not solve any problems, as well as create a fair few new ones, but lying is what really got me into trouble the first time. I think sticking to as close to the truth as possible is the best course of action.”

Jared laughs, “It’s your funeral. You know Connor Murphy is a complete psycho. He threw a printer at Mrs. G in second grade because he couldn’t be the fucking line leader.”

Evan looks away from the screen, away from Jared’s shit-eating grin. His voice gets small, “I know you think this is dumb. I know you do, but I really want to help. I think a big problem is that he’s lonely. The first real conversation we had was about how we could both pretend to have friends.” Evan’s vision begins to blur a little, “I know what it’s like to not have friends, okay Jared? Maybe my problem isn’t that I want to help Connor, maybe I just want someone to actually be my friend. Not acquaintances. Not ‘family friends’. Friends.” 

Evan goes silent after that. He can’t believe that Jared isn’t getting this. He knows that Jared has actual friends. Well. He doesn’t actually know that because he is fairly certain what he had said to Jared about him not actually having friends is true. He can’t say that to Jared though. He knows that whether Jared has actual friends or not isn’t important. Jared had said it himself, they’re just family friends.

“Oh my gosh!” Evan’s head jerks back to the screen at Jared’s words. “This is a gay thing, isn’t it? I thought you were still hung up on Zoe, but obviously, you’ve moved on to her freak of a brother.”

“No! That is not what this is. All I want is advice on how to deal with knowing what I know while still becoming his friend. To do that, I can’t be freaking out all the time, which I know would be a miracle. I know I’m a lot to deal with. I worry about everything all the time, and I can’t talk to people. Not normally at least. I end up saying something weird, and I end up apologizing and shutting up. Or I ramble on about something for way too long. Now that I think about it when I’ve done that Connor seems to either wait until I’m done or he’ll cut me off. You cut me off too, but he’s been nicer about it the couple times it’s happened.”

Jared brings a hand to his chest and gasps, “I am incredibly offended that you think Connor Murphy is nicer than me. I’m a fucking joy to be around.” He crosses his arms over his chest, “I honestly don’t even know why you need my advice. From what I can tell, you two have gotten along thus far. I know you’re nervous, but you’re always nervous.”

“That’s called anxiety, Jared.”

“I know. Nevertheless, you two got along the few times you’ve talked. As long as you don’t say something to completely piss him off or offend him you’ll be fine. And if all else fails, do what I said and flee to Mexico. You are freaking out over nothing. If you manage to make him go off the rails, then I can help you with your problem—I still want my money for this—but until then, I can’t give you any other advice. You’ll be fine. Just don’t talk about Zoe because that’s what freaked him out two days ago.”

Evan smiles, “Thanks, Jared. I actually think that helped.”

“I know, I’m the greatest. Bring the money tomorrow, and I will continue to do consults with you when needed.” He grins. His eyes alight with amusement with himself. Evan figures Jared thinks he’s the funniest person to ever exist. He also figures Jared might have one of the highest opinions of himself as well.

Evan stares at Jared. His mouth forms a fairly straight line while he just stares at Jared.

“Bye Evan.”

“Goodbye, Jared.”

After putting his laptop away, Evan starts his homework. Evan had pointed out Connor’s good grades in school, but he hadn’t mentioned his own place on the top ten list. You spend a lot of time on schoolwork when you don’t hang out with people. 

He finishes his calculus and AP Environmental Science homework quickly. He loves APES, and he’d already learned the calculus last time. That makes him wonder though. Why had Mrs. Summers assigned something different? 

What had changed to make Mrs. Summers give the assignment to the class this time around? The obvious answer was Evan or Connor. They were the only things that had changed.

Either way, it was definitely going to be an interesting assignment. He has strong opinions about the characters of the series, and the majority of the characters are fairly morally gray. Of course, he wants to explore probably the most morally gray character in the history of morally gray.

_ Evan: For our English project, I think we should explore Snape. He’s admittedly one of the most obvious choices, but I think that’s for good reason. _

Connor responds quickly.

_ Connor: Eww. I hate Snape. I will say, he is definitely one of the best choices. I can put my hangups for him aside because he was practically made for this project _

_ Evan: Awesome _

Evan is definitely curious to hear Connor’s take on the character. He is always ready to discuss  _ Harry Potter _ . It’s one of the few things most people knew at least a little bit about, and it wasn’t weird like knowing a lot about trees. He doesn’t know how his friendship will work out with Connor. Most of what he knows about him, he had learned from Connor’s family, and he isn’t completely convinced they know Connor very well. He isn’t sure anyone did.

He certainly hadn’t known Connor when he had made up things about him. He was ready to learn though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make Evan's friendship with Connor as healthy as possible, and he knows that a big problem that he had was lying. He's going to be working on that problem. I also need him to not have a codependent relationship with Connor either because that's what a lot of Tree Bros relationships become. That means him working out his problems, and hopefully it means properly developing friendship with other people. That means Connor might not be in every chapter, which sucks but I feel it's necessary.
> 
> Please note, I have an actual reason for the Harry Potter references other than my love of the series, and I'm very excited about it.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not know a lot about trees. Evan's liking of trees will most likely be mentioned a lot, but I am not a tree expert. I can not impress you with my forest expertise.


	5. Chapter 5

Sitting with someone at lunch was definitely new to Evan. He hadn’t been completely sure Connor would choose to sit with him again at lunch. He had been almost certain that Connor would have gotten tired of him after knowing each other for less than 48 hours. When Connor did in fact sit down at the table in the library, Evan couldn’t fight the smile that came onto his face.

Connor holds up a copy of  _ Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone _ , “I figured I would reread the books with you. We’ll have a better time pulling evidence for our project as well.”

Evan nods. A thought hits him, “You know, for all I’ve thought about this project, I have absolutely no idea what we’re doing past examining morality. Like is there going to be a paper we have to do? Oh my gosh, are we going to have to do a presentation? What if we can’t do the  _ Harry Potter _ books because they’re considered lower-grade books? I mean, I figured we’d be able to do them because the last few appeal more to older readers, but what if Mrs. Summers wants us to discuss characters in a book that’s more ‘adult’?”

Evan’s starting to have a harder time breathing. He hadn’t thought about this yesterday. Yes, he does enjoy books targeted at older audiences, but he absolutely loves the  _ Harry Potter _ series. He had actually been looking forward to getting to discuss in detail characters from the book with someone. What if Connor doesn’t want to work with him because they have to choose something else? What if—Why can’t he breathe?—what if Connor doesn’t want to work with him anymore because he realized how excited he was to do a project about characters from a children’s book, and that’s weird? What if—

“Hansen? Shit.”

He’s not sure where the voice that breaks through the sea of his thought tirade, but he tries to focus on it. 

“Come on. I need you to focus on breathing. Match my breathing, okay?”

Evan isn’t sure if he actually nods, but he does attempt to breathe with the exaggerated breaths coming from the voice across from him. It’s harder than it sounds when there’s definitely something heavy on his chest—probably the weight of his many failures in life.

“Breathe in.” The voice takes a loud inhale, “Breathe out.” The voice makes a loud exhaling sound.

Evan opens his eyes. Oh gosh. He’s screwed up. He just had a panic attack in front of Connor, and they barely know each other.

“Evan, are you okay?”

He can now see that Connor has moved to right next to him. Evan looks at his hands, fingers tearing at his cuticles, “I don’t really feel like I’m dying anymore, so there’s that.”

Connor huffs a breath of relief, “Is there something I can do to help?”

Evan whips his head up to look at Connor. He doesn’t really know what he had expected Connor to say—that’s a lie. He thought Connor was gonna call him a freak and leave. Evan had been sure of it. Connor’s question definitely throws him off, but he is pleasantly surprised by it. “It’s weird. You’ve already helped enough. Thank you for the uh, the breathing thing.”

Connor clenches his teeth. He looks annoyed. Great, it took two days for Connor to figure out how much of a mess he is and how annoying he is. Now he’s gonna leave. It’s not that Evan is surprised, he had figured real Connor wouldn’t want to deal with him. Hell, even his made-up version of Connor had left. “Evan.” A soft voice cuts through his thoughts, “I just want to help you get over your panic as easily as possible. I know how much they suck, and I want to know how to make them easier for you.”

Evan feels his face heat. “I’m sorry. I just think it’s embarrassing, and we don’t know each other that well. I’d rather you not know how much of a freak I am. I’m sorry.”

“Trust me, you are not a freak. I know I called you that a couple days ago, but I was just projecting my anger on you. I know you’re not a freak because I am.”

“You’re not a freak.”

Connor’s soft gaze switches back to a glare, “You barely know me. Most of the time I don’t feel anything, and when I do, I’m feeling intense anger that I can’t control for shit. Don’t pretend you know me. Don’t lie to me just because you want to make me ‘feel better’.” 

Evan scrunches up his nose in confusion. “I’m not doing it because of that. I can tell you’re not a freak because you want to help me. If that makes you a freak, then it’s because you’re better than every other person I’ve had a panic attack in front of. I’d rather you be a freak if that’s the case.”

“Oh,” Connor looks down. Evan can see he’s blinking hard, and he doesn’t seem to be mad at Evan anymore. “Okay, um. How can I help you with a panic attack?”

“Physical touch. It could be as little as just putting your hand on my shoulder. The more contact the better. As long as I’m not experiencing sensory overload, the physical touch grounds me to my surroundings, and I haven’t had sensory overload since I was seven or eight. Like I said, It’s embarrassing.”

“It’s not embarrassing if it helps. Having someone hold me during a panic attack helps me. I need a grounding presence too.”

“Oh, okay. Um, if you ever need help with one, I guess I can help you now too.”

Connor is definitely blinking harder now. “Are you good now? Like, I know I’m not really big on talking after I have a panic attack, so we can just read our books if you want.”

Evan feels a sudden burst of affection for this boy he barely knows. “That sounds perfect.” He knows he won’t be able to read this soon after a panic attack, but he’s glad Connor understands that he doesn’t want to talk right now, “Thank you again for helping. Nobody but my mom has ever really done that before. It means a lot.”

* * *

When Evan and Connor walk into English class the next period, Connor goes to talk to Mrs. Summers, leaving Evan to get settled in his seat alone. He’s pulling out his notebook and pencils when Connor finally joins him. Evan is curious about what Connor went to say to her, but he didn’t want to seem nosy. 

Connor looks like he’s about to lean over and start talking to him when Mrs. Summers starts to speak. “Okay everyone, I said yesterday we would discuss this semester’s big project today, so please pay attention.” Evan sits up straighter in his seat, “I want each of you with a partner to write a paper discussing three characters’ moralities. Along with this paper, each pair of partners will give a presentation explaining the conclusions you have come to about your characters and on morality itself.”

Evan does not like the idea of having to give a presentation. The last presentation he had to give, he stuttered and mumbled his way through. There was also the time he had to give the speech for The Connor Project. He shudders; having to give that speech was one of the worst moments of his life. It didn’t matter if people enjoyed it.

“Now I want each of you to find a partner and decide on what book or book series you are going to do. Once a pair takes a series, no one else can do it. I want these presentations to each be unique. Okay, go.”

Connor immediately turns to Evan. “You said you want to do Snape. That’s a good one. Another super controversial character I think we should do is Dumbledore. People have strong opinions about him, so I think he’d be a good character.”

Evan nods along to Connor’s words, “Wait, we need to tell Mrs. Summers we want to do  _ Harry Potter _ before—”

At that moment a brunette, Evan thinks her name is Kayley, raises her hand. “Yes, Kayla?” Mrs. Summers calls.

“Can my partner and I do the  _ Harry Potter _ books?”

Great. Evan has missed his shot. Now, what is he gonna do? He knows logically he has plenty of other choices, but he had been especially excited and now he had to find a new topic. Now Connor won’t want to work with him. Connor hadn’t brought up any other ideas, so he obviously only wanted to work with Evan if—

“Another group has already claimed that series.” Mrs. Summers cuts off his thought spiral.

Evan looks back to Connor with wide eyes, but Connor just picks up the conversation where he had left off. “Do you agree? Do you think we should do Dumbledore?”

Evan opens his mouth to speak. Then he closes it. He opens his mouth again, “Mrs. Summers just said that  _ Harry Potter  _ was taken. We’ve got to find something else.”

Connor grins at Evan. “I know it’s taken. You were worried at lunch that we wouldn’t be able to do it, so I asked her before class if the topic was acceptable. She said yes.”

“Oh. Uh, thanks.” Evan knows he’s blushing. “Um, Dumbledore sounds like a good pick. Especially with the sheer amount of manipulation he pulls off throughout the series. Like, what he did was just wrong.”

“I am definitely disagreeing with you. While he did manipulate a large number of people, his motives were good. Dumbledore always meant well, and he just wanted to help people. He might have done it in a questionable way, but that doesn’t change that he was good. He just needed a better way to go about it.”

Evan scoffs. “We’ll have to agree to disagree.”

“Okay.” Connor pauses, “Do you want to just read for the rest of the period? And then we could go to one of our house’s tonight to do more?”

Evan is definitely not ready to face Connor’s family again after what he had done. “Yeah let’s do that. My mom won’t be home because she has class, so you’re welcome to come over.”

“I can take you home from school, and I can avoid my family for a few more hours. That sounds great.”

Evan furrows his brow in confusion. He adores Connor’s family. He knew why he was avoiding them, but he has no idea why Connor would. He supposes he doesn’t actually know what the Murphys are like with Connor, but he can’t imagine them as being bad. They’d always been great with him.

“Don’t ask dude. My family sucks; trust me on that.”

Evan swallows, “Okay. I’ll meet you in the parking lot after school.”

Connor nods.

With that, the two begin reading their books.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited to say this is coming out a day early. I started writing in small blocks rather than just one day a week, so hopefully I keep that up.
> 
> I hope I'm getting better at writing Evan and Connor. If you have any suggestions to improve, please give feedback.


	6. Chapter 6

Evan has been waiting for Connor at Connor’s car for five minutes. Evan was beginning to feel like people were staring at him and thinking he was creepy for just standing outside someone’s car.

“I got caught up in art. You haven’t been waiting very long, have you?”

Evan jumps at the voice. He had been scrolling through his phone, and he had been getting ready to go search for Connor. “Oh, no not at all.” Technically, that’s true; five minutes isn’t actually that long. It just felt like it was.

“Good,” Connor unlocks his car and gets in the driver's side.

Evan’s opening the passenger side door when a thought hits him, “Do you and Zoe not ride to school together?” He doesn’t really know why he thought they would; it was obvious to him that Zoe doesn’t exactly like Connor. He had spent so much time with her trying to get her to remember Connor in a good light.

Once Evan has settled into his seat, Connor looks at him, “We try to stay as far away from each other as possible. My mom was trying to get us to ride to school together this year for bonding or whatever, but Zoe hates me. She left me on the first day, so we’ve just taken separate cars. Why?” Connor pauses, and his face falls, “This is because of your creepy crush on my sister, isn’t it? That’s why you’re trying to be friends with me. You think that becoming friends with me is going to help you to get into her pants. It’s not going to work, you freak.”

Evan’s eyes had gotten wider as Connor’s voice got louder. He starts sputtering out an explanation, “Oh my gosh, no. I realized that we were only going to my house, and I didn’t know if you were going to have to drive her home. My question had nothing to do with my weird crush on your sister. To be completely honest, I don’t know how much of it is me having a romantic crush on your sister so much as it’s me wanting a friend. Your sister has been nice to me, and I guess she just seemed like she’d put up with me.” 

As Evan answers Connor, he realizes how true his half-truth may actually be. He’s pretty sure his feelings for Zoe are romantic now, but he had dated her and actually gotten to know her. Before getting to know her, he thinks he just wanted a friend, and his mind manifested this desire as a creepy crush. 

“Oh.”

“I doubt I’d ever pursue a relationship with her, and if you don’t want me to, I won’t. I’m more interested in being your friend.”

“Oh.” Connor’s voice has lightened considerably. “I don’t know if I’ll feel this way forever, but our friendship is new. Maybe if you still wanted to pursue her in a few months, it might be fine. And obviously, you don’t have to listen to me, I just don’t want to feel like you’re using me to get to her.”

Evan nods, “I wouldn’t have the courage to talk to her about it anyway. Even if I did, I don’t think I would go for it unless you said you were okay with it. I don’t really have any friends, and the possibility of actually having someone want to be my friend is more important.”

“You have a very high opinion of my ability to be your friend,” Connor turns toward the windshield and starts the car.

Great. Now Connor thinks he’s needy. He has obviously placed too much weight into this. He knows he needs to be a good friend to Connor; he needs to make sure Connor stays alive. He has gotten a second chance at knowing Connor, and he is blowing it by being clingy.

“Don’t worry about it though. I think I’m doing the same for you.”

Evan does not know how to respond to that. He knows Connor doesn’t have any friends, but he kind of figured that had been by choice. Well, he had figured that before Connor had killed himself. 

The car is silent for the rest of the ride, except for Evan’s instructions on how to get to his house.

* * *

Evan is now completely sure he has zero people skills. Connor and he are sitting on the couch in his living room, and he has no idea how to get started. 

Evan is psyching himself up to talk after a couple minutes of awkward silence when Connor finally says something, “Do you want to watch something? I know we’re here to work on the project, but I have a hard time focusing on schoolwork right after school. I like to have a small cool-down period, if you get what I mean.”

Evan nods, “Yeah, that sounds good.”

“What’s available?”

“We have a few channels, like the local ones. There are a few movies over there.” Evan points at a small bookshelf filled with DVDs, “There’s also Netflix.”

Connor chooses Netflix.

Evan has a small problem when it comes to Netflix. He is what some people call ‘indecisive’. He ends up scrolling through the choices for half an hour, and he ends up not watching anything. “Do you know anything good we can watch?”

“I don’t know. What types of shows do you generally watch?” Connor gives the choice back to him.

“I’m not generally super picky, but I prefer TV shows to movies.” Evan pauses, “And sitcoms kind of annoy me. I feel like a lot of them rely on offensive language or references, and they play it off as humor. Like when dads in some shows complain about not having any sons. They either constantly complain about it, or they raise their daughters like they would raise their sons. Which for some unknown reason is different.”

Connor nods.

“Anyone attempting to force masculinity on someone else is incredibly disgusting to watch. Like, if that’s who you want to be, that’s fine, but don’t tell your son they can’t wear dresses or paint their nails because ‘boys don’t do that’. There’s that one episode of  _ Friends _ where Ross gets pissed at Carol and Susan for giving Ben a Barbie. It’s incredibly damaging to society, and it promotes the mindset as normal when all it does is give people unrealistic expectations of others. There’s no such thing as normal, so don’t try to say there is.”

Connor is nodding vehemently, “You are so right. Obviously, I don’t really subscribe to the whole ‘masculinity’ thing,” he holds up his hand, showing off his painted fingernails, “I will say not all sitcoms do that.  _ Brooklyn Nine-Nine _ is a good example of attempting to get rid of those stereotypes. I have heard some good things about this one drama/superhero show though. It only has one season currently, and the next one is coming out soon. It’s supposedly super good, and some of the characters go against gender norms.”

“I like those kinds of shows.”

“Wait, how do you feel about My Chemical Romance?”

“This sounds like an incredibly irrelevant question. I also feel the answer should be obvious given how we met,” Evan does not know where that came from. He has been very careful to not mention that detail about their friendship. Has he thought about it extensively? Absolutely. Has he brought it up to Connor? No.

Connor barks out a laugh. “That is a fantastic point. It’s also not irrelevant because Gerard Way created the comics for which the show is based.” Connor takes the remote and pulls up  _ The Umbrella Academy _ .

“This looks like a good choice.”

Connor presses play on the first episode, and the two are quickly engrossed in the plot. The two spend the next three hours watching the first three episodes with very little commentary.

Evan can say with complete certainty, the adult Hargreeves are very attractive people. At the end of the third episode, he breaks the silence, “I would die for Klaus Hargreeves. This was a great choice.”

“Same, I would also die for Ben or Diego.”

“You say that because you relate to Ben. Emo and snarky.”

“You’re right,” Connor checks his phone, “Do you want to order some food?” Evan’s panic must be written across his face because Connor quickly amends the question, “Do you want me to order the food?”

Evan is mortified that Connor has figured out so quickly how bad he is with people. He knows he’s awkward, but Connor and he have been friends for literally three days. Nevertheless, he nods.

Connor makes the call, and they start the next episode while waiting for the pizza.

It’s two hours later, after they’ve eaten, finished the first half of season one, and Connor is leaving, when Evan realizes they had completely forgotten to work on their project.

“We forgot to work on our project.”

Connor chokes out a laugh. “Oh my gosh. I can’t believe we did that. I suppose I just picked too good of a show.”

“I guess you did.”

Connor opens the door to go, “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.”

Evan feels warm. He’d just spent five hours with someone, and he’d genuinely enjoyed himself. He almost can’t believe it, except it had just happened. Maybe he could do this whole ‘having a friend thing’. He thinks the friend being Connor Murphy might make it a little easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you thought. 
> 
> Apparently, I'm just using all of my fandoms in my writing.
> 
> I got a tumblr. I have no idea what I'm doing, but the usernames are the same.


	7. Chapter 7

Evan had just started writing his letter for the day when his mom barges into his room, and he slams his laptop shut.

His mom has a large smile on her face, “I saw the pizza box in the trash can. I’m so proud of you for ordering it. I know you don’t like having to talk to the delivery person at the door, and it’s so great that you did.”

Evan’s face scrunches up. She only ever talks to him when he’s ‘overcoming’ his anxiety. “I didn’t order it, Mom.” Her face falls, “My friend Connor was over last night to work on a project, and he ordered the pizza for us.”

Her face lights up again, “Honey, you made a friend? That’s so great. Asking people to sign your cast really did help, didn’t it?”

He nods and holds up his casted arm. There’s no way in hell he is telling her how they actually became friends. A thought hits him. He hasn’t told her at this point how he had broken his arm. She’d be mortified. This version of her doesn’t need to know. He’s getting better; he can tell. He has an actual friend now, so she doesn’t need to worry about him.

“Did you just get home?” He asks. She had class last night, and she’s wearing scrubs. She must have gotten called in for a graveyard shift at the hospital.

“Yeah. I got called in after class, so I’m gonna go crash. I’ve got class again tonight and a day shift tomorrow, so I probably won’t see you much until Monday.”

“Okay,” Evan says. He can see how much she’s working. He knows she’s working hard to support the both of them, but he hates how little he actually sees her. The knowledge is a reassurance; he can’t let her know about how he actually broke his arm.

“Have you taken your meds this morning?”

It’s like he’s one of the patients she has to look after. He’s not an invalid. “Yes.”

“That’s good, honey. I’m proud of you. Have you written your letter?” 

“I’m finishing it up.”

“Great.” She yawns, “I’m gonna get to sleep. I love you.”

She’s gone from the room before he’s done returning the sentiment.

* * *

Evan has barely entered the building before he’s being bombarded with a question from someone.

“Why are you hanging out with my brother?”

There, in all her beautiful glory, is Zoe Murphy. If this were happening three months ago when he didn’t know her, he would have gaped at her like a fish. It’s not three months ago. He knows her, even if this version of her doesn’t know him.

“We’re friends.”

The most disgusted and skeptical look Evan has ever seen crosses her face. “Didn’t he push you in the hallway last week?”

“He apologized for that. We talked about it, and he was having a bad start to the day. It’s fine now.” He says matter of factly.

Zoe huffs a breath, “It’s not fine! Connor’s a monster, Evan. If you’re not going to stop hanging around him, you should at least be careful around him. My brother is dangerous.”

What the fuck? Who actively tries to get rid of their sibling’s one friend? “Thanks for the warning, but I think I can judge his character myself, thanks.” Zoe’s mouth drops open a little. “I know you’re trying to be nice or considerate, or whatever, but Connor has been really nice to me. He apologized, and we’re friends now.” He knows she must be surprised. He could barely talk to her on the first day of school, but now, he’s actively refuted her advice and defended her brother.

“Okay. I’m gonna go now.” She says before she turns and walks away.

What was that? That was not the Zoe he knew. Zoe had always been kind and compassionate to him, and she had just been incredibly rude and kind of condescending. Did she really think Connor was so bad she needed to scare off everyone who tried to be his friend? Has she done that before? He knows she doesn’t like her brother. He knows this, but that was blatantly cruel. 

“You know,” A voice cuts through his thoughts, “I’m more inclined to believe you are talking to Connor to get into Zoe’s pants when I walk into school and see you two talking to one another.”

Evan turns to see Jared. He narrows his eyes at him. Why is everyone questioning him? Do people really not believe in him so much that they question the motives and authenticity of every move he makes? Is he that ingenuine? Is he that horrible? No wonder he doesn’t have any friends. He finally makes a friend, and everyone wants to know why. He can’t breathe.

A hand is on his shoulder. He brings his right hand up to clutch at the hand attempting to anchor himself to reality. He focuses on said anchor to reality as he works to steady his breathing. Someone is breathing exaggeratedly next to him, and he attempts to breathe with it.

Why is he like this? He can’t go four days without a panic attack. He is such a failure. This is why he wanted to end it. Granted he’s failed at that a couple times now, so it doesn’t even matter—

“Evan.”

He leans his body toward the voice. The voice feels warm.

“Hey, Evan. Come on. You were doing it. Match my breathing again.”

Why do they always want him to do the breathing thing? It’s redundant. He matches the voice’s breathing. 

It may be redundant, but it does work for him.

“Ev, are you back?” The voice—Connor—asks him.

He nods his head. He doesn’t think he can speak yet, but he can take in his surroundings.

Oh gosh. Jared is just staring at them with wide eyes. Jared hasn’t seen him break down before; he’s managed to get away every time. Now Jared isn’t gonna just think he’s a freak, he’s gonna know. Before he manages to spiral again, Jared says, “Shit, Evan. Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

That is not what he was expecting. He shakes his head. He hopes Jared realizes this is the answer to both questions.

“Okay,” Jared is nodding, and he looks incredibly uncomfortable, “I’m gonna go to class.”

It’s now only Connor and him in a hallway crowded with high schoolers. “Are you gonna be okay?”

He thinks he will be, so he nods.

“Not ready to speak yet?”

He makes it clear that is what it is. He had forgotten over the weekend how well Connor seemed to be able to read him. He thinks that maybe Connor gets it. Connor did say he has panic attacks too.

Evan squeezes Connor’s hand, which is still in his, before dropping it. They stand in silence for a couple more minutes before Evan feels he can finally speak, “You can go to class now. I’m good.”

Connor looks skeptical, “Okay.” Evan was expecting a bit of a fight about that, but he’s glad Connor accepted his words, “See you at lunch?”

Evan’s face breaks into a small smile, “Yeah. I nearly finished the first book this weekend, so I’ll probably finish it during lunch.”

Connor laughs. “I did the same. We’ll be able to discuss more in detail once we’ve finished rereading one.”

“Yes, we will.”

Connor and Evan turn their separate ways to leave.

Evan has taken three steps before he locks eyes with someone.

He feels a small burst of confidence and waves at a gaping Zoe Murphy before hurrying to his calculus class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't even planning the panic attack part; it just happened. 
> 
> I also finally tagged this story as slow burn because we are ten thousand words in, and they are still in the stages of baby friendship. Yay, I can actually keep myself away from throwing them right into a relationship. I've never written a developing relationship/friendship before. This is new territory.
> 
> I finally got a copy of the DEH book, and I will probably be using it to help with characterizations. 
> 
> Give me your opinions; they give me motivation.


	8. Chapter 8

The school week passes without another incident. He and Connor had finished  _ The Philosopher’s Stone  _ on Monday, and they had spent the rest of the week reading the second book at lunch. The two had decided to try to work on their project again on Friday.

The past week had felt more natural to Evan. Hanging out on Friday had broken the ice between the two, and Evan thinks that after the past week and a half, Connor is definitely a full-fledged friend. He also thinks that they may be on their way to the great friendship he had lied about to Connor’s family. Except, it’s better because it’s real. 

He had wanted it to be real so badly last time. Since he was brought back in time, he’s had to keep reminding himself that this was his chance for it to be real. Nobody got this much of a second chance. He wonders what made him worthy of it. He also wonders what is going to keep him in this timeline. It changed once; what’s going to stop it from changing back to his original time or restarting again?

Evan has tried to hold himself at arm’s length from Connor because of this fear. He’s also scared that if he gets too close, Connor will decide to stop being his friend because he’s so broken, but Connor has already seen him in some of the worst possible moments. He’s had two panic attacks in front of Connor thus far, and they only became friends because they had stopped each other from committing suicide. Connor knows some pretty bad stuff about him, yet he’s stuck around this far. Evan hasn’t seen the same bad things in Connor.

Yes, he had seen him at arguably one of the worst possible points, but he had already known that about Connor. Connor said he got panic attacks, but they obviously didn’t happen as much as Evan’s did. Compared to Evan, Connor was incredibly put together, so Evan is worried Connor is going to eventually realize exactly how broken he is and figure it’s not worth the effort to be friends. Evan is worried that time and space will decide to put him back to the night he got a second chance and take Connor away from him.

He’d rather that not happen, thank you very much. He’s attached to Connor.

Not only has Connor put up with him for a week and a half with no ulterior motive, but Evan had gotten attached to Connor when he was spinning his lies. He can’t lose Connor, especially considering they seem to be on the trajectory to become great friends.

Despite all of these fears constantly rolling around in his head, it had been a good week for Evan.

After school on Friday, the two meet at Connor’s car like the previous week, and they drive in relative silence to Evan’s house. Once they’ve sat down on the couch in the living room, they finally start in on a conversation. 

“We need to work on our project first.”

Evan laughs. “I know. If we don’t, we’re going to get distracted again.”

Connor nods and pulls a laptop from his bag. “I figure we can start with typing out our own personal opinions on the characters. I think we should wait until we’re finished with all the books before we pick the last character.”

Evan thinks that’s a good start.

Connor starts typing, “Severus Snape is painted as a hero of the series, and while he was instrumental to the Order’s success, this doesn’t excuse the many reprehensible things he does throughout the books. He was mean to children. Being bullied as a child doesn’t excuse him joining an army of racists who promote the killing of the same type of people that Lily, the woman he was supposedly in love with, was. Furthermore, he blatantly favored his own house as a teacher.” Connor stops typing and turns to Evan, “That doesn’t necessarily make him a bad person, but it would be super annoying if a teacher did that.”

“You’re not wrong,” Evan gestures to the laptop, “Let me type my current opinion out too.” Connor gives him the laptop, “Severus Snape was necessary for Harry’s success in the series. While he treated some students badly after he switched sides, this was an unavoidable evil because he was likely attempting to maintain a front that Dumbledore was making him keep up. He saw how he acted as a child was wrong, and he joined Dumbledore eventually because he saw how Lily would have actually been treated. In the end, he was incredibly brave and worked towards the greater good.”

Connor sighs, “We’ll have to disagree here, but I want to get the last two characters in too. Write your opinion of Dumbledore.”

“Albus Dumbledore chose to die before he could deal with the many consequences of the last few years of his life. He spent his entire life trying to get power, and he found it in the Elder Wand. He was able to pull strings everywhere to orchestrate what he wanted done. He groomed Harry to die. He manipulated everyone he knew in the name of the greater good, and he gained so much blind faith from others. People died because of his poor planning skills.”

Connor taps the laptop, and Evan hands it over. “Dumbledore was a secretive man. He kept secrets to help protect people. He manipulated others to work toward what was best for the wizarding world. This manipulation may have caused some people to die, but there were going to be far more casualties had he not done this. He had the best interests at heart.”

Connor closes the document.

“The idea of morality is subjective,” Evan says, “She’s asking us to apply our own sense of what is morally right to people that aren’t ruled by the same rules. I think we need to add in an ethical theory or two, so the project won’t be so subjective.”

Connor seems to consider Evan’s statement before speaking, “I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Connor furrows his brow, “I think she wanted the project to be vague to encourage us to have to think outside the box.”

“You’re right, but I have no idea what more we can do than just applying our own moralities as well as various ethical theories,” Evan admits. He likes the idea of being creative on this project, and he loves the subjectivity of it. He’s worried he won’t be able to achieve what Mrs. Summers is wanting, though. What are they gonna do if they can’t figure something out? Will Connor leave him? Is he gonna decide Evan isn’t worth it? What—

Connor closes the laptop, cutting through Evan’s spiraling thoughts, “I don’t know, but I do know that we’ll figure it out. I don’t think we’ll figure out something today though. Let’s just put a show on, and we’ll figure it out next week, okay?”

Evan breathes in deep and lets it out, “Yeah. I think I need a break from school for now. Do you want to finish season one of  _ The Umbrella Academy _ ?” Evan had enjoyed the show, and he was bad with socialization.

Connor nods.

Around two hours into their binge, Connor orders them Thai food. They finish their food as the eighth episode ends.

“You know, I don’t actually know how most people become friends. I feel like they don’t just bond over watching a television show and become besties,” Connor says, stopping Netflix from playing the next episode.

Evan considers his statement, “I think that it might be a starting point. Like, I have some strong opinions about this show, but I’m not going to share them until the season is over. There are entire communities of people online who bond over their shared love of shows, movies, or whatever they’re passionate about.”

“That makes sense. I can see why you would want to wait on sharing your opinion until the end of the season on this particular show, but if we move onto another show, I want to hear your opinions on it because I don’t know how the best way to bond with someone is, and I’ve never really had the opportunity before now to figure it out.

“For all we know, we might not be super compatible because we are really bad at talking to each other. I’d like to get better at it though. Nobody has put in the effort to be my friend since the printer thing happened in second grade. There were people throughout the rest of the time leading up to high school who I’d be around, but I’ve never had a real friend.”

“I was diagnosed with anxiety a few years ago,” Evan blurts out.

Why did he say that? That had nothing to do with what they had been talking about. Why must he always ruin things? Just because Connor knows he’s messed up doesn’t mean he will be willing to be around someone so messed up they have a name for the problems they have. A full-on diagnosed mental illness. He’s such a—

“Oh,” Connor’s eyes have widened, “Freshman year, I was diagnosed with depression. They also say I’ve got anger issues.”

Evan stares at him, “You don’t think I’m broken?”

Connor lets out a choked half-laugh, “No more than me. It’s why I smoke pot. It helps to calm me down.”

“Oh.”

“Look if you have a problem with that, I don’t think—”

“No! No, absolutely not. I was saying that because it’s good you have something to help you. I don’t really think my medication works well, so it’s great that you have something.”

He’s never told anyone about his medication.

Connor’s eyebrows are raised, and he’s looking at Evan with an inquisitive look, “If your meds don’t work, you should probably tell your doctor.”

“The work. They just don't take it all away, and I’d rather not have to deal with my problems, thanks.”

“Same,” Connor laughs. Evan smiles at Connor.

After Connor is done laughing at Evan’s joke, he says, “You know, I haven’t told my family why I smoke. You’re the first person to know.”

Evan’s face turns serious, “I haven’t told anyone that I have to take medicine to function right.”

“There’s nothing wrong with needing help, Ev.”

“I know. It just makes me feel embarrassed.”

“Do you think I should be embarrassed for relying on weed?”

“No! Especially if your parents aren’t willing to get you medication.”

Connor exhales loudly, “Yeah, they don’t want me to take drugs that might change how I think. Well, Cynthia, it’s not going to magically get better.”

Evan stares at him with sad eyes. He can’t believe they actually weren’t willing to give Connor the help he needs. They claimed to give him the world, but they couldn’t even give him what he needed to survive. Evan clears his throat, “I’m sorry. You deserve to have serotonin.”

Connor huffs a laugh at the wording, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Evan takes the remote and turns off the TV, “Why don’t we find some of those ‘This or That’ questions online to work on finding more things to talk about?”

Connor smiles and nods.

The two spend the rest of the night learning small details about the other.

Before falling asleep, Evan learns that Connor has a somewhat ridiculous love of Diet Pepsi, he likes TV shows more than movies, he thinks social media, in general, is dumb, they both agree that pie is better than cake, and he also learns that Connor wears glasses.

He knows it’s not perfect, but he feels like the friendship they’re building could be huge. 

He is so ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time figuring out how I wanted this chapter to end up, but about halfway through, it became something I am immensely happy with.
> 
> Tell me what you think. I have never gotten to the friendship building stage, so this is brand new territory.
> 
> Yes, the Diet Pepsi thing is just me projecting.
> 
> The line about serotonin is a reference to The Sudden Obliteration of Expectation by JulietRose.


	9. Chapter 9

The sound of a door closing wakes Evan up. He moves his head side to side to help remove the stiffness in his neck that’s there from sleeping on the couch. He turns to look toward the entrance of the living room to see his mom who had seemingly just gotten home from work. 

She’d had a night shift, again. She’s always taking more shifts than she knows what to do with. He knows money is tight, but he can’t help but think it’s partially to get away from him.

His mom walks into the room and looks at Evan, “Hey sweetie. I just got off my shift. How was your night?”

Evan clears his throat to get rid of the roughness leftover from sleeping before speaking, “It was good. Worked on some homework. I watched some TV.”

“That’s good,” She looks around the room, “Did you eat last night?” She says distractedly, eyes falling onto something on the other side of the sofa.

Evan is about to answer when his eyes land on what his mother is staring at, or rather, who his mother is staring at. There, curled up on the other end of his living room couch, is Connor. They had gotten so caught up in their conversation last night, they both had fallen asleep. Evan figured Connor would’ve left.

Evan opens his mouth to answer her, when she speaks up again, tone sharper than before, “Evan, who is that?”

He lets out a nervous laugh and looks away from Connor and down at his hands, “Oh, that’s my friend, Connor.”

She shakes her head up and down in understanding, “Honey, why didn’t you tell me you were gonna have a friend overnight? I know I wasn’t gonna be home, but I would’ve liked to have been included in that conversation.”

“I didn’t know he was gonna stay over, Mom. He came over after school to work on a project, and then we got to talking and just fell asleep.”

Something akin to understanding flashes in his mom’s eyes, “Oh.”

_ Oh? _ What’s that supposed to mean? Is she surprised that he has a friend? Is she surprised he actually found the courage to talk to someone? 

“Is he your—?” Her words trail off before she can say the word.

Evan shakes his head vehemently, “No! No, Connor and I just became friends on the first day of school.”

“Obviously it’s okay if you two were. I’m sorry I assumed. I’m happy you have a friend!”

He glances at Connor. He’s very happy that his mother accepts his bisexuality wholeheartedly, he is, but he hasn’t yet come out to Connor, or anyone else for that matter. He really doesn’t want Connor to wake up to his mother getting the wrong idea. “We were talking for a long time last night. The reason for that is because we realized that we aren’t very good at talking to each other, so we found a bunch of questions online to help us get to know each other. Neither of us has really made a friend in a long time, and we realized that the majority of our interactions had been fairly silent.”

“I’m glad you two are working on that then! I know it can be tough for you!”

Evan just stares at his mother and her enthusiasm. Why on earth was her first assumption that he had a romantic interest when she knows he can barely talk to her? Evan chooses not to respond to her comments.

His mom stands looking between the two boys on the couch for a few more seconds, seemingly unknowing of what else to say, before she yawns, “I’m gonna get to sleep. Make sure Connor knows he’s welcome anytime.” She turns and goes to her bedroom to sleep.

Evan checks the time on his phone to see it’s just past eight in the morning. He supposes he should probably wake Connor up.

He goes to tap Connor awake when a loud buzzing makes him jolt awake. Connor whips his head around, probably wondering where he is, before his eyes settle on Evan and flash with recognition. Connor reaches for his phone and answers his call.

“Yes, Mom, I’m fine,” He rolls his eyes, “I just fell asleep working on a project...He’s a friend, so it’s fine,” A gasp comes from the phone that’s so loud Evan can hear it, and Connor winces, “Yes, Mom, I am capable of having a friend,” Blatant annoyance has crept into Connor’s voice at this point, “I am not going to...No, I will absolutely not do that. I don’t care if you want that; there is no way he’s going to want to do that...Fine, I will ask him, but rest assured, I will inform him that it is a bad idea. Goodbye.” 

Connor hangs up his phone and throws it on the coffee table. He tosses his head back, closes his eyes, and groans very loudly.

Evan’s not sure if he should say something. On the one hand, he wants to make sure Connor is okay. On the other hand, Connor looks annoyed, and he doesn’t really want to feed into his annoyance. Evan decides he’s just going to wait on Connor to speak.

It takes around thirty seconds for Evan to start picking at his already short fingernails. Another minute passes before he’s moved to fiddle with the hem of his shirt. After three full minutes of silence, Evan decides to bite the bullet and ask, “So what’d your mom want? You seemed annoyed.”

Connor opens his eyes and glares at Evan, “Gee, Ev. What gave me away?”

“You don’t have to tell me. I just didn’t know how else to help.”

Connor’s gaze softens, and he sighs, “Mom was worried as to where I was all night, and I told her I was here. My mom would like proof that I have an actual friend, and she has invited you to dinner tonight.”

Evan’s eyes widen. He does not know if he is ready to see the Murphys again. Granted, he doesn’t really know if he’ll ever be ready, “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Evan makes direct eye contact with Connor, “Do you want me to? I know you seemed really annoyed on the phone, and I completely understand why you wouldn’t want me around your family,” He gulps, “I will do whatever you want on this. I’ll come over if you want, or you can say I had plans or something.”

Connor looks away from Evan’s gaze, “I don’t know. It’s not that I’m uncomfortable with you meeting them necessarily, but I’m not exactly the greatest person around my family. I know you’ve seen me get angry in bursts, but it can get really bad at my house. I know you don’t really like loud sounds, and my house’s family dinners can be really bad.”

Evan looks at Connor, eyes kind of watery. Connor was worried about  _ him _ on this issue. He wants to protect him from seeing the worst of Connor. He takes a deep breath, “I will go if you want me to. If it gets bad, I can just go.”

Connor smiles at him. A small smile that seems so  _ real _ , “You’d do this for me?”

“Of course. You’ve done so much for me already.”

Connor rolls his eyes at him, “I haven’t done that much.”

Evan looks back into Connor’s eyes, “You have chosen to be my friend. That’s more than I can say about literally everyone else at our school. Don’t belittle what you’ve done, and what it means to me.”

Connor looks a little taken back by his firm tone and the words he spoke. They’re true though. Evan has not had any friends who actively choose to be his friend. Regardless of his and Jared’s iffy friendship status, Connor is the only person to actively choose to do it. Jared was originally forced.

“Then please come to my family’s dinner tonight. I’ve gotta get home, but I’ll pick you up at five. Who knows, maybe having you around will stop any fighting from happening.”

Evan’s head is screaming at him, telling him this is a bad idea, “Okay, see you then.”

With Evan’s goodbye, Connor gathers his things and goes to leave, “Bye.”

Evan gives a small wave at Connor’s disappearing form.

Once he’s left the house, Evan immediately grabs a pillow to muffle a scream of annoyance at himself. 

He may not be ready to see the Murphys, but he is going to do this for his friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have things to do tomorrow, so this is early.
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments.


	10. Chapter 10

It’s at two in the afternoon that Evan decides he needs to talk to someone about tonight. He video calls Jared. He really needs to stop coming to Jared to help him sort out his Connor related problems. It’s becoming habitual.

The call connects, and Jared speaks, “What’s up?”

Evan removes the thumbnail he was chewing on from his mouth. “Why do you automatically assume something is wrong when I call you? Maybe this is a social call.”

Jared stares back at him unimpressed, “Evan, I have known you for many years. Over a decade in fact. I can tell when you are making a ‘social call’. This is not one.”

Evan groans, “Fine, I need advice.”

“Is it about Connor?”

“Why must you assume this is about Connor? I have other things going on in my life.” 

While not technically a lie, he can admit his friendship with Connor is the biggest thing. Traveling back in time and saving your fake dead best friend from dying will do that.

“Because of what you told me last week. You changed what was supposedly supposed to happen. I still think that was a super weird hallucination, but you think it was real. The only thing we have talked about recently is your weird-ass situation with him, so I’d say that it is a fair assumption that the thing that is bothering you is Connor.”

Evan huffs a breath. He doesn’t know why exactly he’s annoyed with Jared for being right. Maybe he doesn’t want to be that predictable. “You’re right.”

A triumphant grin shines on the screen. Evan glares at him.

“I’ve been invited to the Murphy’s tonight for dinner, and I am freaking out.”

“This sounds like a problem you should probably talk to your therapist about.”

“If I tell my therapist, they will send me to the nuthouse.”

“Probably because it’s nuts,” Jared mumbles.

Evan shoots him a glare, “I’m worried I’m going to slip up and say something I know about them, or they’re just going to hate me because I’m no longer the best friend of their _dead_ son.”

“That’s kind of fucked up dude. It sounds like they liked you before for who you are. Not because of a lie you told them.”

“And I thought it was because I gave them a way to have their dead son back,” Evan deadpans.

“Dude, what the fuck?”

“I’m just saying. They were kind of awful about who Connor was, and I basically had to convince them to like him.”

Jared raises his voice a little, “I wonder why. You’ve met him. The guy is a grade-A psychopath.”

“He is not a psychopath. I’ve spent time with him; he’s not bad Jared. We actually get along fairly well.” 

Jared looks like he is going to go against Evan’s statement, but his face goes back to a neutral expression, “Fine. So what exactly do you want help with?”

“How do I make sure I don’t slip up and say something wrong? I really can’t stand them hating me.”

Jared sighs, “You could always not worry about those things and be yourself.”

“Be myself? What kind of garbage advice is that?”

Jared wipes his hand down his face, “ _Brooklyn Nine-Nine_ , really?”

Evan shrugs.

“Just, don’t speak unless spoken to and don’t lie. You said you’re trying to be more truthful.”

Evan supposes that’s fair advice. It’s pretty similar advice to what he got from Jared the first time through. He nods at Jared, “Thanks.”

Jared grins, “Hey, you paid twenty bucks for that advice; I’m here to please.” Jared pauses, “Do you want to play something while you wait?”

“Yeah, I think that’ll help me take my mind off of it.”

* * *

After fifteen minutes of freaking out and staring at his closet, Evan decides to text Connor.

_Evan: What do I wear to dinner?_

Connor responds almost immediately.

_Connor: Just wear what you usually wear, you’ll be fine_

_Connor: Also, I’m leaving to come get you so figure it out fast, I’ll be there in fifteen_

What he normally wears. He can do that. Evan stares at his closet for a couple seconds. What _does_ he normally wear? He picks out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. That seems normal enough. He gets dressed and waits in the living room so he can see when Connor pulls up.

Connor gets there five minutes past five, and Evan goes to meet him at his car and gets in.

Connor pulls onto the road and begins the drive to the Murphy’s. “I know you’re probably wondering how bad this will be, and I can definitely say I have no idea. I haven’t had a friend over since elementary school.”

“Great,” Evan chokes out.

Connor taps his fingers on the wheel, “You can still back out.”

Evan shakes his head.

“I think they’ll just ask you questions about yourself, so you should be fine.”

“Okay. I can answer basic questions about myself.”

“Good.”

They fall silent and stay that way until they get to the Murphy’s house. They walk to the front door, and Connor grasps the doorknob, “Last chance. You don’t have to do this.”

Evan closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He can do this. “Let’s do this.”

Connor opens the door to a very familiar front room, and Evan steps inside takes his shoes off and places them by the door. 

Evan looks around and focuses hard on his breathing. The last time he was here. The last time was _not_ good. He needs to keep breathing, or Connor will realize this was a bad idea, something he has already figured out.

In.

Out.

He notices Mrs. Murphy looking at him expectantly, “Sorry, what?”

“I was just introducing myself; I’m Cynthia, Connor’s mom. You must be Evan.” She sticks out her hand for him to shake.

“Yeah, I’m Evan,” he says, taking her hand and shaking it. Oh gosh, what if his hands are sweaty? What’s he gonna do? She’ll think he’s gross, and she won’t want him around Connor. He doesn’t think they are.

A large smile plasters itself across Mrs. Murphy’s face, and she tells them dinner will be ready shortly as she leads them to the dining room.

Evan stands on the edge of the dining room until Connor gestures for him to take a seat at the table.

Evan sits down and immediately starts fiddling with the hem of his shirt. 

Evan and Connor sit in silence until the rest of the Murphys take their seat at the table to eat. Once everyone is seated, they all start to eat in silence until Mr. Murphy looks expectantly at Evan and says, “So Evan, tell us about yourself.”

That is an incredibly vague question. People always say to tell them about himself, but he can never figure out exactly what they want him to say. He settles on, “I’m a senior.” Connor’s parents nod at him. They’re probably trying to convince him to continue, but his prompt was so open-ended, he has no idea what to say. “Um, what exactly do you want to know?”

“Just tell us some of your hobbies or what your favorite subjects in school are. Whatever you’re comfortable with,” Mrs. Murphy clarifies.

“I like English and science.”

“Like physics?” Mr. Murphy asks.

Evan shakes his head, “No, I really like plant biology. I’m taking AP Environmental Science this year, and I’m really excited about it. I think I’ll really like the class.”

He’s blatantly ignoring the fact that he has learned about half of the material already, so he _knows_ he likes it. 

“I did an internship at Ellison State Park this past summer actually.”

Mr. Murphy cocks his head, “Is that something you’d like to pursue after high school? Being a park ranger?”

“It’s something I’ve considered. I definitely want to go into something related to the environment, but I haven’t settled on any one thing.”

“Well it’s good that you have _some_ sort of idea of what you want to do with your life after you get out of school,” Mr. Murphy says pointedly looking at Connor.

Connor locks eyes with his dad, “Don’t turn this on me. I told you I’m still considering different options. It’s not like I have no general idea.”

“You’re not even sure what you want to major in at college.”

“I’m seventeen. I have time to decide.”

“You’ve barely looked into any colleges.”

“I don’t have to look into very many. I just have to find one that I like.”

“That could take a while, and you need to be applying now.”

“I have looked at some; you just haven’t listened when I told—”

“Can we not do this now?” Mrs. Murphy cuts in, “We have a guest.”

Connor and his dad’s mouths close. Evan is relieved. They were starting to get loud, and he is not prepared to hear a loud fight today or preferably ever.

“So Evan, how did you two become friends. I know that you have been going to the same school for most of your lives, what made you become friends now?”

Evan chokes on his mouthful of food. She had kicked the vegan craze by the time he’d confessed the truth to them, and he had forgotten how much he did not enjoy it. However, eating is one of the few ways to occupy himself and not have to answer questions.

He swallows his food, “Oh, we um, we met—”

“We met at school. Obviously. We’re working on an English project together,” Connor cuts in.

He nods jerkily to confirm Connor’s story.

“That’s great. How’s that going?”

“It’s going well.” Evan answers.

The rest of the dinner is spent talking about whatever random topic the Murphy family matriarch can think of, and Evan leaves the house as soon as he can.

He didn’t freak out. He didn’t have a panic attack. There were no fights at the dinner table. He made it.

Connor drives him back to his house in silence.

They pull up to his house, and Evan goes to leave the car, when Connor grabs his arm and speaks up, “Thank you. For coming tonight. I know that was super awkward, but you being there really helped. I can’t remember the last time my family hasn’t had a fight during a meal. So yeah, thanks.”

Evan looks at him, “You’d do the same for me. It was nothing.”

“But it was something. You aren’t great at being around new people, and this was something you didn’t have to do. Thank you for doing this.”

Evan’s gaze softens, “You’re welcome. I’ll see you on Monday.”

Connor squeezes his arm before letting go. “Yeah, see you on Monday,” Connor says softly.

Evan exits the car, and Connor leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late. Let me know what you think.
> 
> It's only briefly mentioned in this chapter, but I made Dr. Sherman nonbinary.


	11. Chapter 11

When Evan is awakened by banging on his front door at two am on Sunday morning, he doesn’t know what he should expect to find on the other side of the door. He worries the whole way to the door about the possibility of the person being a murderer coming to kill him. He does not expect to find Connor Murphy with tear tracks staining his face.

Evan opens the door fully and prompts Connor into his house. He guides Connor over to the living room couch and sits him down. He doesn’t think twice about plopping down directly next to him.

Once Connor is sitting down, shaky breaths start to wrack his body. Evan thinks it looks like he’s gasping for air, and he’s crying.

Oh gosh. Connor is having a panic attack. Fuck. What does he do? He’s never been on this side of one. He knows some people really don’t want to be touched during it.

Except, Connor said physical touch helps to ground him. 

He places a hand on Connor’s back, and Connor leans into the touch. He takes this as a sign to wrap his arms around Connor, and he starts to take deep exaggerated breaths. That’s what has helped him before.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay,” he soothes. “Breathe in with me. And out.” He keeps the breathing pattern up and strokes the back of Connor’s neck and subsequently his long hair.

They sit there—Evan breathing exaggeratedly and Connor seemingly attempting to match—for quite a while. Evan’s thoughts are cycling through freaking out about Connor panic attack, worrying about Connor, and attempting not to flip out over the fact that this feels way too intimate considering how short a time they’ve been friends. Evan is not mentally or emotionally prepared for this.

Connor’s breaths start to even out, so he tries to focus solely on his own breathing because he does not want to have a panic attack when Connor is coming down from one. He continues to run his hand along the back of Connor’s head hoping the repetitive motion will soothe both of them. He thinks around thirty minutes have passed before Connor finally pulls away from him wiping his eyes.

“Hey,” he says gently, “Are you ready to talk?”

Connor opens his mouth as if to say something, but he must decide against it because he shakes his head.

Evan takes a deep breath. He doesn’t really know what to do. “Is there anything I could do to help?”

Connor considers it momentarily before nodding.

“Would me talking help?”

Connor nods at him, so Evan starts to talk. At first, he’s rambling nonsensical thoughts, but he ends up going on about Mendel’s experiment on pea pods. He explains the intricacies of the project and the basics of dominant and recessive genes. 

Connor seems to be paying as much attention as he can while still occasionally zoning out.

Evan is just getting into the idea of two trait crosses when Connor finally speaks, “I think I’m good now.”

He looks at Connor and says, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Connor looks like he would very much not like to do that. “Not right now. Maybe tomorrow, but I just want to sleep now.”

“Okay,” Evan stands up and holds a hand out to help Connor up. He leads Connor to his bedroom, “You should sleep in my room. I’ll sleep on the couch, and we’ll talk more in the morning.”

Connor kind of looks like he wants to argue with Evan, but Evan thinks that he really just looks tired. Thinking back on it, he always looks tired. 

He wonders why it had taken him nearly two weeks to notice.

A beat hits. He wonders why he’s comfortable with a person he barely knows staying over not once, but twice. He figures it’s because he wants to make sure Connor is okay. 

He bids Connor good night and goes to get blankets for the couch.

Evan sleeps absolutely horribly. He can’t quit thinking about how absolutely devastated Connor had looked when he showed up. The hunched shoulders and tear stains. Every time he gets close to sleep for nearly an hour, the image flashes in his head, and he’s suddenly awake once again.

He tosses and turns throughout the night, and he thinks he manages to get four hours of sleep before finally getting off the couch to get breakfast. He pours himself a bowl of cereal before going to check on Connor.

He looks into his bedroom to see Connor curled up into a ball under his sheets. He goes and grabs his meds for the day then goes back to the living room.

Gosh, Connor had looked so sad last night. Evan is severely worried about what had made Connor actually cry because Connor has not shown many strong emotions since they became friends, other than anger the first couple days. He knows Connor doesn’t get along with his family, and he suspects that might be the cause of the outburst.

He wants to let Connor sleep, but he also wants answers. Granted, he’s not going to force Connor to tell him. The last thing Evan wants is for him to feel obligated to tell him. Or maybe he’ll get mad at Evan’s prodding and stop talking to him altogether. Either way, he’d rather just leave it alone. He’ll mention it when Connor wakes up, and if Connor tells him, great.

Evan quickly realizes he has very little to do until Connor wakes up, so he gets his copy of  _ Harry Potter _ out and reads.

Well, he tries to read. His thoughts are buzzing, so he can’t concentrate. He has absolutely no idea what to do. He gets up and starts pacing. 

He must have been walking back and forth for fifteen minutes completely zoned out when Connor appears from his room.

He stops and focuses his attention on Connor, “Hey. How are you feeling this morning?”

Connor looks at him, “I feel better, but I’m still not ready to talk about it.”

“Okay,” a thought hits him, “Do you maybe wanna go somewhere today? It might help you to feel a little better and get your mind off of it.”

Something seems to occur to Connor, “Sure.”

They walk out to Connor’s car and get in. Evan pulls up the directions to their destination on his phone. He’s not sure if this place will help Connor feel better, but he wants to try. He had said once that this was the place they hung out, and maybe that’ll be true now.

Around halfway there, Connor asks, “Where exactly are we going?”

Evan feels his cheeks heat, “Oh, I thought we could go to this old apple orchard. I think being surrounded by trees is calming, and I had thought maybe you would like it.”

“Cool. I like trees,” Connor says, and Evan figures he’s just humoring him because Connor has a small almost-smile on his face.

Hopefully, Connor likes the Autumn Smile Apple Orchard the way Evan had once told his family that he did. 

Was what he said based in fact? No, but maybe Connor will like it.

Evan really wants him to like it.

They pull up outside the abandoned apple orchard, and Connor kind of gapes at the entrance.

“What? Is everything okay?” Evan asks. 

_ Fuck _ . He’s messed up. He has definitely messed up. Connor is going to freak out. He’s gonna hate—

“I forgot about this place,” Connor whispers; he almost looks entranced. He looks at Evan, “My family used to come here.”

Evan takes this reaction as a good sign and opens his door to get out.

They walk over to the broken gate and go in. Both boys immediately stop and take in the beauty of the overgrown orchard. 

Evan can’t believe this is the place. This is where a lot of his lies were set. Connor places his hand on Evan’s shoulder, and they start walking around trying to find a place to sit.

It’s around five minutes of walking before Evan is taken aback, “ _ An open field that’s framed with trees _ .”

“What?”

_ He had not expected it to look the way he had described it _ . Evan’s eyes widen, “Nothing. I’m kind of shocked by how gorgeous this place is.” Connor looks confused, “I kind of just looked up a place to go; I’ve never been here.”

Connor nods in understanding.

When they find a place to sit, they’re quiet for a fair few minutes just taking in the view.

“I had a fight with Zoe,” Evan’s head jerks to look at Connor. “We fight all the time, and there’s not really a good reason for why this one freaked me out so much. It just did.”

Evan tentatively places a hand on Connor’s arm.

“Maybe it was because you were there last night, and I was more high strung than normal. I don’t know. It might be because having a meal with my family that had no fights reminded me of when I was little,” Connor closes his eyes. “Zoe and I used to be best friends. Growing up it was always us against the world, but as time went on, I started fucking up more consistently. I started to hurt everyone around me, and I pulled away from her to help protect her.”

Connor wipes at the tears that have escaped, “Last night she accused me of threatening you to be my friend. Accused me of lying. It hurt because she had every right to think that. I think the last time I can remember us having a good day together was the last time we came here, weird as that sounds.”

Evan scoots a little closer.

Connor lets out a hollow laugh, “Gosh, you must think I’m pathetic. Crying about my family problems to a friend I barely know. It’s even worse because you’re my only friend, so you’re my best friend.”

“I don’t think you’re pathetic!” Evan blurts out. “It sucks that you don’t have a great relationship with Zoe. It sucks that you have felt so out of control that you felt the need to push her away, and I wish you didn’t. Your problems are completely valid, and I’m glad you told me. Maybe I can help you figure out ways to improve your relationship with her.”

Connor seems to consider the proposition, “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Evan smiles at him.

The two stay in the orchard for around thirty more minutes talking about whatever topic comes to their minds before getting up to go back to the car.

Evan starts to walk to the car when Connor pulls him into an unexpected hug, “Thank you.”

Evan recovers from his startled state by wrapping his arms around Connor’s middle, “I didn’t do anything.”

“You didn’t push me. You made sure I was okay this morning, and you helped me to calm down. Thank you.”

Evan just tightens his grip on Connor and leans his head onto Connor’s shoulder.

He figures the feeling he gets when being held has something to do with happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did this story get a chapter last week? Technically no. Was there a part of the story uploaded? Yes.
> 
> Check out Part 2. When You Don't Say Goodbye is what I call, "The Connor Prologue".
> 
> I do plan on at least one more one shot in Connor's POV, so if you're subscribed to the fic, I recommend subscribing to the series.
> 
> This was such a fun chapter to write, and the last half was really good for getting me into the writing mood. 
> 
> Tell me what you think!


	12. Chapter 12

Evan and Connor take a few minutes to get back to the car. The two are silent, and Evan is contemplating the best ways he can help Connor with his situation with Zoe.

Zoe had told him a lot about her relationship with her brother, and it was far from good. They weren’t close when Connor killed himself. He knows that Connor has a problem with yelling at his family, particularly his dad, and once told Zoe he was going to kill her. From what he can tell, Connor tried to stay away from his family when he was in that mental headspace. He also knows that Connor’s family has refused to keep him in therapy or get him medication. 

Realistically, the best course of action to help Connor fix his relationship with Zoe would be for Connor to get the help he needs. It’s obvious he deeply craves to be better. If he’s willing to try, then he should be allowed the chance to get better. Telling Connor this won’t help. Connor seems to know he needs help.

They get to the car, and while getting in, an idea hits Evan, “Hey, I think there’s an ice cream place somewhere around here. I’m not completely sure, but I’m pretty sure there is.”

Connor turns the key in the ignition and gasps, “There is. Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I forgot about it. It’s literally the best ice cream ever. Á La Mode is the name.”

Evan doesn’t think he’s ever seen such a childlike glint in someone’s eyes before. It makes Connor look less tired. “Do you remember where it is?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure I do,” Connor glances at Evan with a small grin on his face, “I can’t believe I forgot about it. That place delivered me all of the serotonin I had as a kid.” He drives the car onto the road on what Evan assumes to be the way to Á La Mode.

Connor’s excitement is contagious, and Evan is living for it, “What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream?”

Without hesitation, Connor says, “Chocolate. There’s no other right answer.”

“Mine is mint chocolate chip.”

Connor seems to consider the answer before responding, “Makes sense. I have absolutely no idea why it makes sense, but mint chocolate chip suits you.”

_ What does that even mean? _ Evan gapes a little at Connor because this is quite possibly the most excited he’s ever seen him, and it’s over  _ ice cream _ .

It takes a few minutes to pull up outside the shop, and Evan spends the whole time incredibly confused. He chooses to ignore his confusion and gets out of the car.

Connor and he walk into the parlor and are immediately hit with the sheer cold that’s characteristic of all ice cream shops. The two walk slowly up to the counter, and Evan is trying to figure out a way to ask Connor to order for him when the person behind the counter asks them, “Hi, how can I help you?”

“Can I have two scoops of chocolate in a cup with chocolate sprinkles, and—” he turns and looks at Evan to quietly ask, “How many scoops, and do you want it in a cup or cone?”

Warmth spreads throughout Evan’s chest as he quietly requests, “One please, in a cup.”

“A scoop of mint chocolate chip in a cup, please.” Connor finishes, pulling out his wallet.

The person behind the counter, a look at their nametag tells Evan their name is Charlie, looks at the boys with a small smile on their face, “That’ll be $6.50.”

Connor gives them his card, and they wait to get their ice cream. The two get the ice cream and go to find a seat at a picnic bench outside.

“Did they vaguely remind you of Jared?” Evan asks Connor once they sit down.

Connor’s eyes but out of his head, “Oh my gosh, they do. Freaky.” 

Connor takes a spoonful of his ice cream and motions for Evan to do the same. Evan takes the ice cream into his mouth, and he has to say, the ice cream  _ is _ delicious.

“Good right?”

Evan nods his head.

The two eat in silence. When Connor has finished his first scoop, Evan says, “You know, I know it’s not the same, but I don’t really have any relationship with my dad. He moved away when I was seven.”

Connor looks at him and raises his eyebrows looking surprised.

“That was when the symptoms for my anxiety started to get bad, and he didn’t want to stick around. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was twelve, but I know my mom seriously considered taking me in before then. I don’t really know why she didn’t.”

“I’m sure your dad didn’t leave because of your anxiety Evan.”

A mirthful laugh escapes Evan, “That’s what my mom says. She’s all, ‘Evan, your dad left because of a cocktail waitress from Colorado.’ I know that realistically, but I mean, look at me, I’m a mess.”

Connor furrows his eyebrows. Evan thinks he’s about to refute his claim, so he changes the subject, “So what do you think is the best course of action to improve your relationship with Zoe?”

Connor startles at the question, “I don’t know. Do you think if I knew, I’d be asking someone else?”

“No. I guess I mean, what are your interactions like with her? What do they generally consist of?”

Connor’s cheeks coat themselves a light pink, and he looks down at his fidgeting fingers, “Most of the time I try to avoid her. I’ve yelled at her so much in the past, I just try to stay away from her, so I don’t actually go off on her,” Connor closes his eyes and lowers his voice, “I once got so angry that I apparently threatened to kill her, but I was so out of it that I don’t even remember.”

Zoe did  _ not _ tell Evan that Connor doesn’t remember the incident happening. Maybe she doesn’t know. Either way, “Have you apologized to her? Does she know that you’re sorry?”

“I mean, I think she knows I’m embarrassed about it because I stayed far away for quite a few days, but I haven’t apologized, no.”

“I think that would be a good place to start,” Evan gives Connor a smile. He needs to show Connor that he isn’t scared of him. Connor lashes out with his words when he freaks out, and Evan understands that. He figures the best he can do is help Connor to work on it.

“I suppose that’s probably a good idea. I just, what if she doesn’t accept the apology? I know she’s not going to forgive me, but what if she’s not even willing to try to work towards building a relationship?”

These are the kinds of questions that plague Evan’s thoughts all the time, yet when Connor asks them, he knows exactly how to answer him, “Then at least you apologized. And you can start working on trying to not lash out in anger. There have got to be better ways to channel your anger and any other strong emotions.”

“Yeah.”

“Maybe you can ask Zoe to help you do something like that. Ask if she wants to try drawing with you.”

Connor nods, “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. I know she will occasionally draw in her free time, so she might not immediately turn me down.”

“That’s good.”

The two finish the rest of their ice cream before heading home.

“When we get back to my house do you want to finish the first season of  _ The Umbrella Academy _ , and then you can try to talk to Zoe when you get home?”

Connor looks at him and smiles, “Yeah, I think that sounds like a good plan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look at me getting the chapter out during the weekend.
> 
> Tell me what you think. Comments really motivate me.
> 
> Also, shoutout to Charlie, the nonbinary Á La Mode worker. The boys know their pronouns because they're on their nametag.
> 
> There's a scene that takes place in Connor's POV just after this chapter. I recommend reading it. It's called [When You Try to Make Amends](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26474809).


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a new part of the series that takes place just after chapter 12 that is referenced in this chapter. I recommend reading it. [When You Try to Make Amends](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26474809) can be found here

“You know,” Connor says to Evan, “I think I would be more sympathetic with Snape had he actually attempted to atone for his wrongdoings.”

Evan looks up from the article about ethics he’s reading on his laptop and turns to Connor, “That’s fair.”

“His whole ‘character arc’,” Connor actually uses air quotes, “was based around the idea that Voldemort wronged him once, so he turned away from him. He didn’t care about muggleborns at all. He was just pissed that Voldemort was going to hurt the woman he desired. He didn’t even really desire her as a person, he completely objectified her, and that’s just gross.”

Evan nods, and Connor goes back to trying to find relevant ethical sources.

It had been a full week since their day at the orchard. Evan had wanted Connor to come over yesterday to work on their project, but Connor said that he and Zoe were going to try to do something at home together. 

Evan is so happy that Connor is trying to make amends with his sister. They both need it. Zoe had been so desperate to really know her brother, and Evan had done his best to help her. Nothing will beat the real thing though. Connor had expressed his worry that she wouldn’t be willing to let him try. Connor had come to lunch on Monday grinning at Evan. He had quickly recounted how he had apologized and asked if he could try to make up for how he had acted before.

Evan doesn’t think he’s ever seen Connor look as hopeful as he did when he told him the story. It had made Connor look so pretty.

Not that Evan thinks Connor is pretty. He absolutely does not. Why would he think that? Weird. That’s what Evan is. Saying he thinks someone looks pretty when he obviously does _not_ think that.

Regardless, he’s so happy for Connor working on his relationship with Zoe. The two deserve to have a good relationship. 

“How was your time with Zoe yesterday?” Evan asks.

Connor looks up and a small smile plays on his lips, “It went really well. She wanted to watch some movies, so we made some brownies and— Don’t look at me like that. The brownies were completely drug-free.”

Evan laughs.

“Zoe gets annoyed when I’m high.”

“If you told her _why_ you do it, maybe she wouldn’t be so quick to judge you for it.”

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

The way Connor says it makes Evan think that he will not be telling her. He supposes that’s a battle for another day. “What else did you do?”

“We ate some popcorn with our brownies and watched _Jumanji_ ,” Connor pauses and huffs a laugh, “She refuses to watch the new ones because ‘nothing will live up to Robin Williams’ performance Connor, _nothing_ ’.”

Evan shakes his head and laughs, “That’s so dumb.”

“I know.”

The way Connor’s eyes light up while talking about his time with his sister makes a warm feeling spread throughout Evan’s chest. 

“So it was a good day?”

Connor nods his head and smiles, “Yeah, it really was.”

The two go back to their research for their project.

* * *

The next day, Evan has therapy after school.

“So Evan, tell me about Connor,” Dr. Sherman says.

Evan’s eyes widen. He thought he had been careful to not talk about his new friend much to his therapist, but they’re perceptive.

“Well, what do you want to know?”

Yes, Evan. Great idea. Deflect questions from your therapist, that’s a fantastic plan.

“He’s a new friend of yours; I’d like to know what he’s like. You seemed fairly excited two weeks ago when you brought him up briefly at the end of our last appointment.”

“I did not realize that. We became friends on the first day of school because we’re doing an English project together,” he uses the same lie Connor told his parents, “He’s come over to my house to work on the project.”

They nod for him to continue.

“We sit together at lunch. He accidentally stayed overnight last weekend. Well, not last weekend as in a couple days ago, more like last, last weekend I suppose. He came over to work on the project last night as well,” he explains.

“You’ve started to spend quite a bit of time with him since you became friends. Why is that?”

A blush coats Evan’s cheeks, “He doesn’t really have friends either, so we kind of just, latched onto each other. That’s such a weird way to word it.”

“So you enjoy his company?”

“Yeah. I actually went to meet his family the weekend he stayed over accidentally. Connor warned me to be careful because his family argues a lot. He was worried that they’d get too loud for me to handle. They didn’t though.”

Dr. Sherman nods and asks, “Do you think that was because you were there?”

Evan contemplates, “Probably. Connor has anger issues, and apparently, they come out majorly around his family.”

“Have you seen any instances of these anger issues?”

“The first few days, he could be set off kind of easily. I think he’s working really hard to not go off on people. He recently started to work on fixing his relationship with his sister, and he’s really worried he’s going to mess something with that up.”

“How do you feel about this?”

“I’m happy he’s working to improve his relationship with Zoe. I’m worried though that he’ll relapse quickly though. His parents have put him in therapy and taken him out a couple times, and they refuse to keep him in. I want what’s best for him, and I’m scared that he’ll accidentally screw things up with Zoe because he’s not getting the help he needs.”

“Does he want this help?”

Evan nods hard. Connor is desperate to be better. 

“If he’s still a minor then the best you can do is help to support him until he can get therapy.”

“I know; I really want his mental health to get better.”

“Good,” they glance at the clock, “That’s all the time we have. Make sure to be writing those letters. They’re meant to help you, Evan.”

“I know.”

He leaves his therapist’s office and leaves the building with the intent of going home. He’s surprised to find Connor parked in the parking lot.

He walks towards the car, and when Connor catches sight of him, he motions Evan into the car.

Evan gets into the passenger’s seat and asks, “What are you doing here?”

“I’m taking you to dinner. You said last night that your mom won’t be home, so I figured you may as well get to eat.”

Evan smiles at him, “Thanks.” 

He can’t believe Connor decided to do that for him.

“Where are we going?”

Connor glances at him, “A small diner around fifteen minutes out of town.”

“Cool. Can I play some music?”

Once Connor nods, Evan grabs the aux cord and turns on a playlist he knows Connor likes. The two bop to alternative music. Evan had kind of figured Connor would prefer heavy metal or emo music, but Connor had told him his preference for alternative rock when they were trying to figure out music to play on the way back from Á La Mode. Evan was glad because he prefers the genre as well. 

They pull up outside of the diner and walk inside to be seated.

Once the two are seated and Connor has ordered for the both of them, Connor looks at Evan, “How was therapy?”

“Fine. We talked about my life. They actually asked me about you.”

Connor looks surprised, “They did?”

“Yeah. Dr. Sherman said that I seemed excited when I mentioned you at my last appointment.”

“Huh.”

Evan remembers something, “Hey, when was the last time you asked your parents for therapy?”

Connor takes a deep breath, “It was around a month before the end of junior year. They put me in and quickly pulled me out when I threatened Zoe at the beginning of the summer.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah. I've thought about asking my parents to go again recently. Maybe if they see that I'm trying, they'll consider sending me again.”

Evan is attempting to figure out an answer when Connor gets up to use the restroom.

Great, he made Connor uncomfortable. He needs to get better at this. 

He plays on his phone until Connor returns and brings up a new subject. The two chatter on until the food is brought to the table.

“You got chicken strips?” Evan asks. “What are you, five?”

Connor has the audacity to look scandalized, “How dare you insult the greatness that is chicken strips. Hamburgers are super boring. Half of the time they’re tasteless”

Evan furrows his brows, “They are not! Especially if they’re cooked correctly.”

“You’re wrong, but okay.”

Evan does not think he’s wrong.

“So are you doing anything interesting this week?” Evan asks.

Connor lays down the chicken tender he was dipping in ketchup, “I was gonna see if Zoe wanted to do something again, but other than that, I’d say I’m as free as this past weekend.”

“Do you want to go hiking on Saturday? I haven’t been back to Ellison since I broke my arm, and it’s gonna get pretty cold soon.”

Connor answers, “Do I look like I ever want to go hiking?”

“Um, well—”

“I’m messing with you. That sounds like a good idea.”

A smile spreads itself across Evan’s face, “Great.”

The two finish up their dinners in relative silence, and Connor drops Evan off at home.

Evan still can’t believe that Connor thought to take him to dinner when he knew he’d be home alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!


	14. Chapter 14

It’s Sunday when Connor and Evan get to go to Ellison. Evan can’t believe it’s been so long since he was here. He really does love it. They pull into a parking spot and quickly get out of Connor’s car. Evan is immediately assaulted with the beauty he spent the summer surrounded by.

He takes Connor’s forearm in his right hand and guides him toward his favorite trail.

“You’re really excited about this, aren’t you?” Connor asks him.

Evan looks at him and fixes him with an unamused look, “I spent most of my summer here. It feels like it’s been ages since I was here, and I really want to show you this place. You like the orchard, and I think you’ll enjoy this place as well. Chances are, we won’t even run into other people.”

“Well, you do know how I feel about other people.”

He nods. He has a pretty good idea of how Connor interacts with people he either doesn’t know or doesn’t like. Hell, he experienced it firsthand on the first day of school. As Connor and he have gotten to know each other the past three and a half weeks, Connor has significantly warmed up to him. 

They start walking along the trail through the forest that Evan’s chosen trail goes through. Evan looks around at the greenery he has spent so much time around. It really has been a long time since he’d seen the lush greenery. It has been around four months, one in this timeline, since he had broken his arm, and that was the last time he had been to Ellison because his internship had finished within the week he had broken his arm. 

They walk in silence for a few minutes before Connor says, “What do you want to do when you get out of high school?”

Half the time, Evan can’t even picture making it  _ out _ of high school. He does know what he wants to do career-wise if he does though. “I want to work with plants and nature. I’m not completely sure whether that means researching in a lab or being a park ranger. I’m sure about the environmental science track though. It’s so fascinating. What about you?”

Connor sucks in a breath. Evan turns his head to fully look at him. “I’ve never really thought too hard about it,” Evan nods in understanding, and Connor’s voice gets quieter, “I never really thought I was going to make it out of high school. I obviously don’t have the best experience with envisioning my future.”

Evan stops walking, and he turns his body so that he’s fully facing Connor, “Hey, I get it. You and I met the same way. We were both going to do it. I’ve only really thought about post-high school stuff because of all of those quizzes the guidance counselors send us.”

Connor nods, his lip quivering a little.

“Are you having thoughts of suicide now?”

Connor considers Evan’s words and shakes his head, “Not right now. Ever since I started hanging out with you, the thoughts haven’t been as insistent. I don’t really know why.”

Without a second thought, Evan takes Connor’s hand in his and squeezes it, “Same. Having you around has helped to keep them away.”

Connor gives him a small smile before turning away, and they start walking again.

They walk in silence for a minute or so before Connor speaks up again, “Maybe English.”

“Hmm?”

“For the post-high school question. I think I might like to go into something English related. I’ve always liked reading and writing. I know a lot of people say it’s not a great degree to get. ‘What are you gonna do with an  _ English _ degree?’ and whatnot, but I think I might enjoy it.”

Evan gives him a big smile, “That’s a good place to start! There are obviously tracts outside of the basic English degree, but you can definitely do stuff with an English degree,” Evan takes a deep breath and voices the idea he’d had for a while, “I’m not even sure I want to go to college right away. You don’t have to have an idea right this second. There’s time.”

“I know you’re right, but my dad keeps bringing up the college thing. It’s so fucking frustrating. Just because he knew in high school what he wanted to do for the rest of his life when he was seventeen doesn’t mean everyone else does. Hell, some people spend the first two years of college without declaring a major. He needs to back off.”

Evan nods, “If he were encouraging you, it might be different, but it seems like he’s trying to force you to figure it out right now. There are people who change their career years into it. The widely accepted idea that people need to know exactly what they want to do for the rest of their lives at the age of seventeen or eighteen is utter bullshit,” Evan’s hands are moving in front of him for emphasis, “My mom won’t stop coming into my room, when she’s home that is, and asking me if I’ve worked on the scholarship essays she gives me. College costs a shit ton, dude. The automatic expectation that everyone  _ has _ to go to college right away is placing unrealistic expectations on kids. High school is already stressful, why does society feel the need to place extra pressures on our shoulders.”

Evan glances at Connor, and he's looking at Evan with an unreadable expression on his face, “It really is unrealistic. I hadn’t really thought about it like that, but it’s stupid that we have to figure these things out when we’re just kids. There’s not even time to really be a kid. Once you leave high school, you get a super stressful summer full of anticipation for your first year in college. Then you get to focus on more school. Except, this time it’s more important because you’re preparing for your future job, and you’re not even completely sure you want to do said job.”

“Yes!” Evan exclaims, “One hundred percent! It’s the whole idea that you can’t sit at home being lazy; ‘wasting your life away doing nothing’. Taking some time to figure myself out before going a hundred thousand dollars in debt seems like a smart decision.”

The two keep walking along the path, chattering about society’s expectation for kids to know what they want to do in life, when Evan stops abruptly staring at a tree.

Fuck. Shit. That’s the tree. That’s the one he fell from.

He focuses hard on his breathing so as to not have a panic attack. He doesn’t think he’s going to have one, but he’s a little worried.

He’s doing better than when he climbed the tree all those months ago, and he’s doing a lot better than three weeks ago. He has Connor. Connor is proof that it’s getting better. As long as Connor is here, things won’t regress. He won’t regress to that horrible state.

“Hey, are you okay?” Connor has a hand on his arm.

“Yeah,” his voice comes out scratchy and weird, but he really does believe it. He’s okay.

Connor is here.

He sees Connor’s gaze follow to where he had been looking and realization seems to dawn on him, “That’s the tree you fell from when you broke your arm; isn’t it?”

Evan nods. His breathing has stayed stable, luckily.

“Now don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going to ask you a question.”

Evan makes eye contact with Connor and gives him the go-ahead to continue.

“When you broke your arm, did you fall, or did you let go?”

Evan’s eyes widen because he’s heard this question once before, and it came from a guilty conscience, “I—” 

His voice breaks. He can tell him; he knows he can. Connor has seen him at so many low points; he’s not going to think any less of him for this.

“I let go.”

Connor moves his hand up to Evan’s shoulder, “Can I give you a hug?”

Evan’s a little surprised by the question, but he nods and is quickly pulled into Connor’s arms. It’s another moment before he feels tears start to drip down his cheeks.

“I just-I just felt so alone,” he sniffs, “I didn’t think anyone would miss me. That everyone would be better off without me.”

Connor runs a hand up and down his back consoling him, “I wouldn’t be. You know that right?”

Evan gives a small nod. He knows Connor doesn’t know the full reason for how they ended up together on that night, but he’s grateful that they did. He hates that Connor can’t know. 

“I wouldn’t be better off without you either.” He feels Connor nod while he continues to run a hand up and down Evan’s back. He takes a deep breath and pulls away from Connor, “Thanks.”

Connor gives him a quick smile, “Anytime,” Connor sucks in a breath, “You know I’ve felt that way too? Having you around has also helped with that feeling.”

Evan returns Connor’s smile, “Yeah I know. You help me to feel like I matter to someone.”

“You do the same for me.”

They continue their hike for around twenty more minutes, talking about much lighter topics until they get back to Connor’s car.

Connor says, “You know, I’m pretty sure that hiking is not my favorite activity. I can see why you might like it. Getting to walk through all of the trees and plants is so up your alley. I’ll be sticking to books unless you ask me to go with you again. I enjoyed having the company.”

“The company definitely improved the experience. Come on, we can go back to my house and read some. We got to do some of my activity; it’s your turn.”

Connor laughs, and they drive back to Evan’s house to do just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've had this chapter ready since Thursday. I was trying to get ahead. This of course did not happen.
> 
> Tell me what you think! I really appreciate all feedback.


	15. Chapter 15

The next day before school starts, Jared walks up to Evan, “Hey, I need to talk to you about something.”

Evan is not prepared for this. What on earth does Jared want to talk about? Jared doesn’t even consider them to be friends. Does he need to see the calculus homework? Why would Jared need to see the calculus homework? He’s great at math.

“What about?” Evan asks as Jared leads them to the computer lab.

Jared stops once they’re inside, and he turns to Evan, “You’ve been ignoring me.”

Evan cocks his head. He hasn’t, and even if he had, Jared shouldn’t care. “How have I been ignoring you?”

Jared crosses his arms in front of his body, “I texted you this past weekend. You never replied.”

He vaguely remembers getting a text that he glanced at before the hike yesterday. He hadn’t thought it would be important, so he didn’t really read it. He had been excited for the hike, “I meant to reply. I was out on a hike with Connor, and I completely forgot to look at it afterward.”

Jared rolls his eyes, “Honestly, it’s not even just what happened yesterday. Even when we’ve been in video chats, all you’ve talked about is Connor this or Connor that. We’ve been over this, I don’t like that guy. I really don’t want to hear about him.”

Evan is almost at a loss for words. He thinks back on everything Jared has said to him in the past year. Something completely changed over the summer, and Evan has no idea what it was. It doesn’t matter though, after everything that happened with The Connor Project, he’s able to find the courage to say, “Why do you care?”

Jared looks like he’s been burned, “What?”

“I said, why do you care? You go around saying we’re ‘family friends’. You say you hang out with me so your parents will pay for your _car insurance_ . Why on earth would you care that I finally have a real friend to be around when you have been very clear that you just _put up_ with me?”

“I—” Jared’s eyes are wide, and he seems to be struggling for words. Something malicious crosses over his face, but he seems to think better of it, “Can we talk about this later? I want to give you a good response, and the bell is about to ring.”

Evan is surprised by this answer. He had kind of expected Jared to react by lashing out at him as he had once before. He supposes this Jared hasn't been ignored by him for months. He nods at Jared, “Yeah, I think it’s a good idea.”

The bell rings immediately after Evan speaks, and they part ways without saying a word to one another.

Evan spends the next four periods not paying a single bit of attention to what is going on in his classes. Not that he really cares, he already knows the stuff. He’s not really surprised that Jared confronted him, but he’s completely shocked that Jared had a mature response to what he said.

He tries to push it from his brain, but Evan has no good way to do that. He must be acting distracted at lunch because Connor calls him out on it, “What’re you thinking about? You are very obviously not listening to what I’m saying.”

Oh shit, Connor had been talking. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

Connor fixes him with a glare, “Don’t belittle something that’s bothering you.”

Could Connor please not worry about his problems? That’d make this easier. “Just, Jared and I talked before school.” Connor grows visibly angry at his words, and he feels the need to fix his statement, “Jared wanted to know why I haven’t been talking to him as much. I kind of called him out for how he’s treated me previously, and he didn’t have time to respond. I thought he was going to lash out at my accusation, but he asked for time to think of a good response,” he sighs, “Our friendship used to be the only friendship I had, and he pulled away a lot this past summer.”

“Oh,” Connor kind of stares at him for a moment, “Don’t let him walk all over you.”

“I won’t,” he says, and he means it. He had let Jared walk all over him over the summer and the very beginning of school, but he had returned the favor when The Connor Project came around.

Evan is a little less distracted following his talk with Connor. He manages to pay a little bit of attention in his following classes, and when school ends he finds Jared at his locker talking to someone who looks vaguely familiar.

Jared catches sight of Evan, and turns back to the person he had been talking to, “Thanks Charlie, I’ll see you later.”

They wave and walk off leaving Jared and Evan standing at Jared’s locker. “I can take you home, and we can talk on the way, if you’re okay with that?”

Evan nods, and they walk together to Jared’s car. Once they’re both inside the car, Evan takes a deep breath before speaking, “Why do you treat me the way you have? We’ve been friends for years, and then something happened at the end of last year that made you start ignoring me. And at the beginning of school, you said we’re just family friends. That hurt Jared.”

“I’m sorry.”

The car falls silent. Evan thought he was going to get a bunch of excuses that prefaced a half-assed apology. “What?”

Jared looks over at him and back at the road, “I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you the last few months. At the end of junior year, someone said something about how hanging out with you made me a loser for some unknown reason, and I let it get to my head.”

He knows that people think he’s a loser, but it hurts that Jared acted the way he did for that reason. “Okay,” he motions for Jared to continue.

“I think I figured you’d immediately go back to being my best friend at the beginning of the year after the summer, but I said something dumb again. I shouldn’t have done that. I let things get to my head, and I hurt you. I’m sorry.”

Evan’s eyebrows are high on his forehead, and he’s well aware of it, “Thank you. For apologizing. That means a lot,” he fiddles with his nails for a moment before continuing, “If you’re going to be nicer, then I would very much like to accept your apology.”

Jared gives him a sincere smile, “I’m going to try. The friend I was talking to in the hallway? They’ve been helping me. They actually recommended I get a therapist, and I’m seriously considering asking my parents about getting one.”

“That’s great Jared!” A thought hits Evan, “I want to apologize for something. I know you didn’t live through The Connor Project, and I didn’t exactly tell you how I treated you when it was happening, but I want you to know that I treated you awfully. I’m sorry for doing that. We never had this talk, and I don’t think I would have spiraled as much.”

“Spiraled?”

He quickly realizes he’s said too much, and he goes to make it not seem like he ended up going to do the very thing he did, “I kind of freaked out on everyone around me. I don’t know how I got back here, but I’m thrilled I got the chance to redo everything.”

Jared is silent for a moment, “Thank you for telling me. I know that this whole thing has probably got to be weighing on you, and you have no idea what made you end up back here. I know I’ve been playing it off as a joke, but if it really happened, you’ve got to feel so guilty for it.”

He does.

“Hopefully you apologizing takes off some of that weight,” they pull up outside of Evan’s house, and Evan opens the door to get out, “I am going to be better. I want to be a good friend to you.”

“Thanks. For the ride and the apology.”

Evan goes to close the door when Jared pipes up, “I pay my own car insurance by the way. I don’t know why I said otherwise.”

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Bye.”

Evan waves and enters the empty house.

He breathes a sigh of relief. He feels lighter after the apologies. His phone buzzes.

_Connor: How’d it go?_

_Evan: It went really well!_

Evan goes up to his room and sits on his bed to do homework.

“ _Wow. Apologizing for something that never actually happened, you_ do _feel guilty.”_

Evan looks around for the familiar voice, and his eyes fall on the figure that stands on the other side of the room as it lets out a hollow laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote a cliffhanger. Shocking, I know.
> 
> Tell me what you think!


	16. Chapter 16

**“** ** _Wow. Apologizing for something that never actually happened, you_ ** **do** **_feel guilty.”_ **

**Evan looks around for the familiar voice, and his eyes fall on the figure that stands on the other side of the room as it lets out a hollow laugh.**

Connor is standing in his room, but the cold eyes and the way he’s holding himself is not Connor-like at all. Evan goes to reply, but he’s quickly interrupted by probably not-Connor, “ _You know, it’s pretty selfish to try to get forgiveness from someone who doesn’t even know what you were apologizing for,_ ” he huffs a laugh, “ _I suppose you did tell him that you ‘treated him awfully’, but how does that fully explain that you were constantly ignoring and using him?_ ”

Evan goes to speak, but he thinks better of it and keeps his mouth shut. He had been rudely interrupted the last time, and he didn’t want that to happen again. 

This must be the wrong thing to do because not-Connor makes an annoyed click in the back of his throat and motions for Evan to speak. “I don’t know,” Evan swallows, “How can I possibly explain to him what all I did to him when he already thinks it’s insane that it happened? I don’t want him worrying about me because I never treated this version of him like that. I needed to apologize to get it off of my chest.”

Not-Connor crinkles his nose in disgust, “ _I know you apologized so that you would feel better,_ ” his voice takes a more sardonic tone, ” _Evan Hansen, at it again doing things just so_ he _will feel better, no regard for how others will feel._ ”

“I—” he goes to argue, but he thinks better of it. Not-Connor is right, “You’re right.”

“ _I know I am. You’ll find I’m always right,_ ” not-Connor says.

Well, that’s a little presumptuous, Evan doesn’t even know what this guy is, “Wait a moment.”

Not-Connor groans, “ _What?_ ”

“What are you? You’re obviously not Connor. You don’t act like him whatsoever, or you at least don’t act like my Connor. So what or who are you?” Evan has no idea why he cares, but it would be nice to know who or what is insulting him.

Not-Connor seems to consider Evan’s question, “ _What do you think I am?_ ”

“Well, the most logical conclusion I can come to is you’re the ghost of the Connor that killed himself.”

Not-Connor makes an unsure face, but it quickly disappears, “ _Sure, let’s go with that._ ”

Evan does not know what to make of that answer. “So, uh, why are you here? Shouldn’t you not exist in this timeline?”

“ _n theory._ ”

What the hell does that even mean? “Could you please make your answers a little more concrete? I’m trying to figure out how the hell to get rid of you.”

Ghost Connor sets him with a look, “ _That’s rude. Which brings us back to what I was saying before you interrupted me. You really do only care about yourself._ ”

Evan frowns at him. He tries not to. He really had done most of the stuff with The Connor Project to help people. He hadn’t stopped Connor for personal gain. “That’s not true!”

“ _Isn’t it? You say you only did The Connor Project to help people and the Murphys, but you got their love from helping them. Hell, you did it so you wouldn’t feel so bad about yourself,_ ” he lets out a humorless laugh, “ _This time around, the only reason you stopped this version of Connor from killing himself is because you figured it would mean that all of the bullshit that happened before doesn’t happen._ ”

“That’s not true!” Evan blurts. He had not stopped Connor for personal gain. 

Ghost Connor has a small condescending smile on his face, “ _Whether or not it’s true doesn’t matter, you’ve stayed friends with him for personal gain. Making sure that it never spirals back to that place? You can’t lose Connor, or it will all go bad, Evan._ ”

“That’s not true. It doesn’t matter anyway because I’m not gonna lose him. We have each other; we’re getting better.”

“ _Are you sure?_ ” Ghost Connor wiggles his eyebrows before he vanishes.

Evan’s still staring at the empty air five minutes later. Ghost Connor is wrong. He knows he is. Evan can’t even entertain the possibility that he’s right. Evan isn’t going to lose Connor, so it’s fine. Connor is fine. He saw Connor earlier. He’s sure he’s fine.

He can’t be alone right now. He knows he can’t. Even more than that, he needs to see Connor right in front of him. He really hates to bother him with his bullshit, but Evan needs to know that Connor is okay.

Connor picks up on the first ring, “Evan, hey, are you okay?”

Evan nods, “Yeah, but uh, could you please come over?”

“Of course,” Connor’s voice sounds urgent, “Do you need me to stay on the phone?”

Evan closes his eyes and focuses on breathing deeply, “I don’t think so. I just-I just don’t think I should be left alone tonight, and I don’t know when my mom is getting home.” Deep breath in. He really couldn’t have called anyone else to know that Connor is okay, “Jared and I only just reconciled, and I don’t want to push it.” While that is technically true, Jared would not be able to help him with this.

“Hey, I’m getting in my car now. I’ve got my school stuff, so I can stay over there tonight. Is that okay?”

“Yes!” Evan’s voice sounds desperate even to his own ears. 

“Can you tell me a story? Or talk about genetics or something so that you’re not thinking about what made you call me.”

Evan’s grateful that Connor can tell he does _not_ want to talk about what has made him so worked up. Connor would think he’s actually insane. He starts to tell Connor about his everyday routine as an assistant park ranger. It’s so ingrained in his mind that he’s barely registering his words, and Connor will occasionally make a small comment that makes Evan know that he’s okay. It feels like no time but also a century has passed by the time Connor is telling him that he’s outside.

Evan barely registers his walk to the front door of his house before he opens it to see Connor looking somewhat frantic. Evan barely has the energy to walk forward before he’s pulling Connor into a hug. He needs to hold Connor; he needs to know that this Connor isn’t a stupid ghost and is real and is _alive_ . He needs to know that this is _his_ Connor.

Connor’s arms automatically reach around and start to rub his back. Evan can feel one of Connor’s hands rubbing up and down. It’s incredibly grounding. They stand at the entrance of Evan’s house for a good while. Evan just soaks up how real Connor feels, and Connor stands there silent. 

Evan eventually pulls away and gives Connor a small smile. “Hey, are you okay?” Connor asks gently.

He gives a small nod, “I think so.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Connor asks, his voice wavering a little.

Evan is committed to telling as much of the truth to Connor as possible, “I just needed to make sure you were real,” Evan tries to think of the best way to word what he wants to say, “I was just hit with a horrible dread that you weren’t okay, and I needed to see that you were. I’m sorry if I freaked you out.”

Connor nods, “I get it. Sometimes I’ll think about how we met, and I’ll need to make sure you’re okay.” Evan did not know that. “We’ve got school tomorrow, do you think you’ll be able to do some homework if we’re doing it in the same room?”

“I think so.”

“We can do that, and I’m gonna text Zoe and tell her where I am. It’ll be easier on her if someone knows where I am. You go get set up in your room, and I’ll meet you there.” Evan’s terror at not being able to see Connor must show on his face because Connor quickly says, “Or I could do that when we get to your room.”

“That would probably be for the best.”

The two go to do homework, and Evan can’t quit thinking that Ghost Connor was definitely wrong. Connor won’t leave Evan. He won’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter and a new tag for the fic. Angst is probably not quite what this is, but oh well.
> 
> Tell me your thoughts!


	17. Chapter 17

The rest of the afternoon Evan is on edge. He keeps looking over at Connor every few minutes to make sure that it’s the Connor he’s come to know and not some ghost version of him. He’s trying to focus, but there’s only so much he can get done with his need to make sure Connor hasn’t disappeared.

After an hour and a half of attempting to do homework, Connor puts his stuff away and calls Evan’s attention back to him. “Okay, I don’t think you’ve gotten any homework done this entire time. I’m basically done with my stuff, and anything else that is supposed to be done can fuck off. What do you say we go get some food?”

Evan feels his cheeks burn, and he ducks his head. He didn’t think Connor was paying enough attention to notice his constant attention on him. “We don’t have to. You just said there’s stuff that’ll need to be done for tomorrow, and I don’t want you to turn it in late because of me.”

Connor sighs, “I don’t care about the homework Evan. You’re distracted, and I don’t think sitting here attempting to get work done that’s not going to get done is helping anyone. Besides, I’m hungry. Let’s go get some chicken strips.”

Evan laughs but stands up, “You are a child. A literal child. The whole wide world of food you could eat at a diner, and you pick food that is on the kid’s menu.” Evan gathers up his stuff and stretches.

“That’s a bad problem to have with my food choice because you got a burger last time, and that is also an item on the kid’s menu,” Connor points out.

The two bicker on the way to Connor’s car, and they get in. Connor hands the aux cord to him and he immediately finds a playlist he knows Connor has enjoyed previously on Spotify.

“I seriously don’t understand, what is it about chicken strips that you have a problem with? They’re good.”

Evan sets Connor with a look, “First of all, they’re food you can get at any old restaurant, and they’re basically the same every time. There are innately better things to get at individual restaurants. I don’t go out ever, and even at home, I barely eat, but I still recognize that better things exist.”

Connor looks over at Evan, “Fine. Change of plans, we’re not going to a restaurant. Find a recipe online, and we will go get the ingredients and make it ourselves. You say there’s so much better food out there, and I want you to prove this to me.”

That is not the response Evan was expecting, but he supposes he can find something easy. He opens up a browser on his phone, and he types in ‘easy recipes’. 

What if Connor doesn’t like the recipe he picks? Connor gets  _ chicken strips _ at most restaurants; he’d told him sometime after their dinner outing last week. There’s no way he has a wide range of food he likes. Hell, Evan doesn’t have a lot of experience with food. His mom isn’t around to cook, and when she is home, they generally just order food. Wait. This is Connor. He’s not going to be looked at weird for asking what Connor wants. “Is there anything in particular you like?”

Connor glances at him, then focuses his eyes back on the road, “I don’t think we should try anything particularly hard, but I don’t have much of a preference past that. I’ll eat most food.”

Evan sets him with a look, “Then why do you always order chicken strips?”

Connor laughs, “Because they’re good!”

Ugh. He is such a dork. Evan shakes his head, “Okay, what about Thai food?”

“That sounds good. I like pad thai. Does that sound good to you?”

Evan nods, “I love pad thai. It’s generally what I get when my mom brings home takeout.” Evan narrows his search and picks one, “Okay, the one I just found has a lot of good reviews, and it looks pretty simple. There’s a lot of stuff I know I don’t have at my house though.”

“That’s fine. We’re going to the grocery store for a reason. Are we gonna make it with chicken?”

“We’re not animals Connor. Of course we’re making it with chicken.”

Connor chuckles, “I get that, but we’re not experienced cooks. It can be pretty easy to fuck up chicken.”

“Now I’m gonna be freaking out that we’re gonna accidentally give ourselves salmonella.”

Connor turns, “We are not going to give ourselves salmonella. Wait, is it kosher to mix eggs with chicken?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. I think you’re thinking of the dairy with beef thing,” Evan answers. He’d told Connor that he’s Jewish the first time Connor had ordered pizza. 

“Okay, cool,” Connor says as he pulls the car into a parking spot in the grocery store parking lot.

“I have no idea where anything in a grocery store is,” Evan says to Connor as they get out of the car and enter the store.

Connor nods, “Neither do I. This could take us forever.”

That does not sound fun, “I’ve got the recipe pulled up on my phone, and a lot of these sound like they’ll be in the Asian foods aisle. Let’s go pick up the vegetables, and then we’ll work to find the other stuff,” Evan grabs a cart and walks into the large grocery store.

“Ooh, look at you taking charge,” Connor teases him.

Evan’s cheeks burn, “Fuck off.”

Connor just laughs as they walk to the clearly marked produce section. They spend the next five to ten minutes attempting to figure out which vegetables are the best quality, but Connor eventually just grabs the amount they need. It’s almost like he understands that left to his own devices Evan would spend another five minutes per vegetable.

They walk around finding the food they need, and Connor picks up the soy sauce they need and goes to say a joke, when Evan cuts him off, “Do not say the joke about putting your balls in soy sauce. I saw that video.”

Connor pouts at him before sticking the bottle in the cart.

Once they’ve gone through and found all of the food they need, which takes a lot less time than Evan thought it would, they head to checkout. Evan is relieved when a self-checkout lane is available. They scan their items in silence, so they hear two familiar voices bickering pass by them. “Is that Jared and the person who worked the counter at Á La Mode?” Evan whispers to Connor, so the two won’t see them.

Connor looks toward the short redhead and brunette and nods his head at Evan.

“They were talking earlier today, apparently they’re friends,” Evan informs Connor, “I think he asked for apology advice from them.”

Connor looks impressed, “I did not expect him to be so mature about it.”

Evan feels a little bad to agree, “I was pleasantly surprised by it.”

The two finish scanning the ingredients, and Connor grabs two chocolate bars and scans them as well, “For serotonin.”

“Ah, of course. How could I have forgotten?”

“Amateur.” 

They pay for the groceries, well Connor pays, and they quickly head back to Evan’s house and pull out the stuff necessary for the pad thai. They wash their hands, and Evan reads the recipe out loud. “You work on chopping the vegetables, and I’ll put together the sauce. We will then deal with the chicken and noodles. Do not accidentally cut your hand.”

“Yes, sir.”

Evan feels a shiver run down his spine but ignores it in favor of pulling out the measuring spoons for the various components of the sauce. They work surprisingly quickly, and they quickly finish their tasks.

Connor takes the chicken out of the bag, and they stare at the package, “Okay, let's put the chicken breasts in a bowl. We’ll salt and pepper them, and then we’ll throw them in the pan. Should we cut them into smaller sized pieces?”

Connor shrugs, “It couldn’t hurt.”

Connor grabs a bowl while Evan opens the package up. He grabs a breast to cut and put in the bowl, “Oh shit, that feels fucking gross.”

Connor looks at him, and he goes to grab a chicken breast before immediately putting it back in, “Eww, that feels so gross. I hate it.”

Evan finishes cutting the first breast before responding, “I’ll do the other one, and you wash your hands. I do not wish this on anybody.”

Connor nods and washes his hands once again. Evan cringes his way through cutting up the second chicken breast and placing the pieces in the bowl. 

The two work through seasoning and subsequently cooking the strips of chicken meat on a pan before they end up at another point where they don’t know what to do. 

Connor looks at the recipe, “I think it’s time to cook the noodles and start cooking the vegetables and eggs.”

The two divide once again on their tasks in Evan’s small kitchen. Connor is set to put the vegetables in the pan, and Evan sees him put in way more garlic than the recipe calls for, “Connor, that is more than two cloves of—”

“I know one thing about cooking Evan. That one thing is that garlic amounts are not dictated by a recipe, they are dictated by the soul.”

Evan gapes at him a little bit before turning back to the rice noodles.

Forty minutes after starting, they’re putting all of the components together in the vegetable pan.

They serve themselves a helping of their food and go to sit at Evan’s kitchen table. Neither is going to take a bite and Connor speaks up, “Okay, if we die, at least we do it together.”

“Like a  _ cult _ ?” Evan asks, his voice cracking on the word cult.

“Exactly,” Connor says as he takes a bite of his food, “Oh holy shit Ev, this is fantastic.”

Evan is encouraged to take a bite of the food, and he has to agree with his friend. “We are doing this again.”

Connor nods, and the two are quickly pulled into a steady silence except for the eating of their food. 

Once they’ve finished and cleaned up, Evan sets Connor with a sincere look, “Thank you. You’ve been great tonight. You came over when I called and it means a lot.”

Connor smiles at him, and he feels incredibly warm, “You’d do the same for me. And anyway, I had fun. Hanging out with you is always better than staying at home uncomfortable.”

“Well, thanks anyway,” Evan says smiling at him. He doesn’t think he’s ever had someone enjoy hanging out with him so much with no ulterior reason. 

“Wanna watch something?”

Evan nods, “I know we’ve still got the second season of  _ The Umbrella Academy _ , but I want to start a different show. Its final season is finishing up soon, and I’ve been putting off starting it. Have you heard of  _ Supernatural _ ?”

“Who hasn’t heard of  _ Supernatural _ ?”

“You wanna try that?” Evan asks Connor.

“Sure.”

The two start the pilot together, and Evan almost completely forgets what had been freaking him out earlier.

Almost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Work updates on my [Tumblr](https://giraffesanddietpepsi.tumblr.com/)


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